I was in the throes of dealing with another positive pregnancy test. The overwhelming emotions of anxiety, fear, frustration, disbelief, and exhaustion crowded out the beautiful possibility of new life, of tiny baby clothes, and joyful childish laughter. I desperately tried to wrap my mind around this new situation, this new life, this person who is God's will and His creation.
I knew my feelings were simply feelings, meant to be felt not judged or glossed over. I understood that God could handle my anger and overwhelm, my frustration and consternation. Together with my husband I would open my body and arms to another person, but it would not be easy or comfortable. It would require amounts of self-sacrifice I couldn't comprehend. Tears, physical pain, emotional upheaval, questioning again and again my small amounts of faith over the course of nine long months.
Through the difficulty and struggle of coming to accept God's will and this growing child, platitudes didn't make me feel better. My wrestling with such a huge change in my life felt all encompassing, and yet so isolating. I felt like the only one who was suffering this situation to such a deep spiritual level. Kind words and understanding of course touched my heart and gave me support. But the words that spoke through and into the hardness of that time of swallowing anxiety, my experience as a woman being open to life and God's will, of becoming a mother again unexpectedly and unprepared were the very words of Jesus: "Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me" (Mark 9:37).
Perhaps you're struggling with your unique circumstance and can't see God's will in it. It may take extensive prayer or counseling or spiritual direction or a trusted friend listening, but let us all strive to be open to God's will in our lives.
This Bishop's series of talks on "Humane Vitae" are informative.
Christy Isinger is a wife and mom to five lovely, loud children and lives in northern Canada. When not homeschooling, she is a devoted reader of English literature from Jane Austen to Agatha Christie. She writes about the beauty of faith, life, and the home at her blog and is the co-host of the Fountains of Carrots Podcast. You can find out more about her here. She is the author of our Blessed Conversations: The Ten Commandments study found here.
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