I've spent the last few months feeling pretty out of commission. You don't have to be a mother experiencing first trimester pregnancy to know the frustration of physical suffering coupled with being severely limited in your ability to do. As for me, I spent a lot of time holed up in my room feeling terribly sorry for myself and, in turn, learning a lot about how I measure myself and my worth.
I relate to the Pharisee in Luke's Gospel today, in a way. Those days in bed I was reminded of just how much value I place on getting things done. (Luke 11:41) I couldn't wash a sink full of dishes, I couldn't read a line in a book, I could hardly hold a conversation with my husband, and I felt worthless. I was sure my family would be better off if I just moved out for a time. I was dead weight, and they all must have wanted to get out from under me.
But they didn't. They wanted me around, not to talk, not to clean or organize or cook, just to be. And how much does that human response reflect God's even deeper, bigger affection for pitiful ole me? It speaks volumes.
The Pharisee failed to keep a right and holy heart towards God, focusing only on the external, which counted for nothing in the eyes of our Lord. (Luke 11:39) In a similar way, I'd been emphasizing the external. Over the course of a few weeks, I had boiled all my worth down to these questions—what can I do? who can I be? how did I perform?—when the reality is our loving Father is eager to just love us and be loved by us.
I want my faith in His love to be reflected in how I live, and consequently in how I view myself, even in those low, dark places. Totally loved, totally interesting, totally wanted by the King of Kings, come to sit at His table.
If you feel lacking in worth because you can't "contribute" to your own life right now, turn to Our Lord and ask Him how He sees you. You won't be disappointed.
Blythe Fike is the wife of Kirby and mother of 7 smallish kids. She loves the quiet life in small town SoCal. You can find out more about her here.