Welcome to our first Blessed Chats series! Each month, we will dedicate an entire week of blog posts to a topic that affects many of us. These conversations often come up in our Facebook groups and in our real life friendships. We want to share a variety of perspectives on the topic at hand, so we’ve asked women to share their stories and how the teachings of the Church have guided and comforted them. In this first series, we’re talking all about fertility. We’d love for you to join the conversation!
Secondary infertility is a deep wound. It’s a wound that pierces who I am as a person. It has affected every aspect of my life and has led me to moments of overwhelming sorrow. And it can totally consume me if I allow it to. It’s brought heartache and heartbreak. It’s left me empty and lonely. Secondary infertility is a cross.
Yet precisely because of this—the penetrating pain, the sorrow, the cross—it’s led to joy. It took me four years to enter into the mystery of the joy of suffering. By a miraculous gift from God, I was able to understand the truth that everything God allows to happen in my life He will use for my salvation. Everything He permits is for His greater glory. Knowing this truth has allowed me to trust in Him and His plan for my life. It has brought joy.
Everything that God allows to happen in my life He will use for my salvation. #BISblog #blessedchats // Click To TweetBig Family Dreams
Ever since I was young I always dreamt of having a big family. I have five siblings and they are counted among my greatest joys. I became pregnant with my son just two months after marrying my husband, Mike. The thought of possibly being infertile was the last thing on my mind.
Secondary infertility is defined as being unable to become pregnant, or to carry a full-term pregnancy, following the birth of one or more children. I don’t remember learning about secondary infertility in nursing school; and if I had, like most, I passed by it without a thought. Yet after months of physical tests and exams, it became my diagnosis.
For a few weeks, it was a diagnosis that totally and painfully consumed my heart, mind, and soul.
When I found out from my doctor that I was experiencing secondary infertility, my entire being filled with sorrow and anger. I felt foolish for all the pregnancy tests I had purchased over the past two years. I felt like I had wasted time each day wondering when I would be pregnant, keeping a room open for a nursery, and daydreaming about Peter as an older brother. The diagnosis sounded cold and harsh.
I told God that I knew it is completely in His power to allow me to become pregnant, and it is a good and beautiful thing that I want to become pregnant. So why, why God, wasn’t it happening?
Write + Pray
Discover your story within His.
Getting to the Root
There is always an underlying issue for infertility, and with my secondary infertility diagnosis came another diagnosis: polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS. Through practicing NFP and tracking my cycles, my doctor was able to confirm that PCOS was one of the causes for my secondary infertility.
It was during that time I was introduced to Natural Procreative Technology, NaPro Technology, a natural and pro-creative approach to fertility. NaPro helps discover the “why” behind fertility issues, offering hope not only in a diagnosis but also with treatment.
After my diagnosis, conception was my goal and I worked closely with my doctor who practiced NaPro techniques.
Shifting My Focus
After another two years of trying to conceive and taking medications to help ovulate and hcG shots to raise my low progesterone and estrogen levels, I decided to focus on my health instead of conception.
This shift in my mind and heart changed everything for me. Though I had been exercising consistently and eating well since my diagnosis, I felt free for the first time in years. Free from taking such time-sensitive medications, free from the pressure I was putting on myself and my husband to conceive. With this new goal of health, I felt renewed and full of hope.
It was during this time that I decided to have an ovarian wedge resection, an OWR. Though there is no cure for PCOS, an OWR is the closest thing to it. An OWR removes a section of the ovaries so that there are essentially less cysts to cause issues and side effects.
During my OWR, my NaPro surgeon, Dr. Kyle Beiter, also found Stage I Endometriosis that he removed. My recovery aligned with Lent, and it was one of the most powerful of my life.
Suffering and Mercy
A few hours before Lent began, I decided to fast from Instagram. Instead of scrolling, I filled my time with reading the Diary of Saint Faustina Kowalska. In those pages I discovered Faustina’s journey with suffering and the deep joy she found in it. She wrote of not only comforting Christ but saving her own soul and other souls through her suffering. She wrote that God revealed to her that if angels could be jealous of men it would be for two things: the Eucharist and their ability to suffer.
As I was finishing her Diary and reading these powerful words, I realized how terrified I had been to suffer. Physical suffering scared me and I had been trying to avoid it at all costs. I had been afraid of the pain of surgery before my OWR and as I lay recovering I was scared for my heart to continue to suffer with the cross of infertility. I was full of fear.
Yet I had opened the door just enough for Christ to enter into my heart, and grace began to pour into my life. Jesus healed me not only physically but also spiritually and emotionally.
A few days before Lent ended, I sat on my bed and looked at the San Damiano crucifix that hangs in my bedroom. I saw the suffering Christ, hanging, dying, for me. I looked at Him and repeated, “I surrender.” I told Him I surrender to all He has in store for my life. I said yes to the infertility, if that is what He willed for my life. I said yes to the suffering, if that is what His plan was for me.
The most profound peace and joy I have ever experienced immediately flooded into my entire being. That joy has continued to grow as I surrender each day to Him and His will for my life. There is freedom in the surrender. There is joy in knowing that our suffering has merit.
Jesus healed me not only physically but also spiritually and emotionally. #BISblog #blessedchats // Click To TweetYou are Bearing Fruit
If you are experiencing infertility, know that your life is bearing fruit, and you are called to be a Christ-bearer. We may not all be called to carry our own children physically within us, yet we are all called by Christ, by name, to live out His mission of discipleship. We are called, as women, to bear Christ just as Our Lady did—in all we think, do, and say.
When we do this, when we surrender to His plan for us, we will flourish, we will be free. Say yes to all He has in store for your life, say yes to His will for you. Do not be afraid of His answer.
Do you experience infertility or secondary infertility? Please share your story with us in the comments below!
If you want more help with finding your own story, our popular Write + Pray course offers 9 topics, nearly an hour of guided video, and almost 50 Scripture verses and questions for you featuring Managing Editor Nell O’Leary. Find your story today.
Blessed Chats: Fertility // Secondary Infertility #BISblog #blessedchats Click To Tweet
My husband and i have been experiencing infertility for the last four years. It has been a challenging and sometimes very sorrow journey so far. I have been trying more to pray and listen to where our lord is wanting for our lives. This blog post spoke to me today and gave me some hope to continue to pray and be grateful of our journey where ever it may lead us. Thanks so much for this blog post it was beautiful.
so glad you are here, sister. praying!
My husband and I were married almost a year ago and we have been trying for a baby pretty much right away as we are both already in our mid-thirties. Almost a year later and we have not been successful and each month my heart breaks further. We pray, we light candles in prayer, and try to trust in God and His plan for us. All I’ve ever wanted my whole life is to be a mother. To have a house full of kids to love and raise in the faith. I never imagined it would be so hard and maybe not even possible for us. I mean why would God not want us to have kids, to love them and raise them to love Him? I ask myself that sometimes. I continue to try to trust in God and pray for his mercy. It’s hard. I know he loves me and that he only wants what is good for me but I do fall into sadness sometimes. Prayers for us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for sharing your story.
oh friend–many many prayers.
10 years of secondary infertility has taught me a lot about suffering and how much I desire control. For the longest time my prayer was “please Lord let me have more children, just not adoption.” Slowly, because I am stubborn, little by little my heart turned toward the possibility of adoption. Much of my fear was about giving up control. I had no control if we were picked by a birthmother, or when or what circumstance surrounding the birth. Once we had discerned that adoption was what we were called to it was a long wait. A heartbreaking wait. A year with nothing, no news. Another 8 months went by and a failed match. Then we were finally picked and spent the night with a baby in the hospital and 24 hours later her family decided they could not move forward with the adoption plan. Walking out of that hospital without a baby shattered me. My 10 year old son I could not protect from this pain. I couldn’t control anything about this. The Lord was with us through that suffering, even though it didn’t make sense.
This past March, just as everything shutdown, a sweet baby girl was placed with us. Even still infertility makes itself known. I couldn’t breastfeed this baby girl, something I deeply mourned. As I pack away tiny baby clothes as she quickly grows through sizes I expect she is our last baby, Infertility has still taken things from me… the big family I expected, watching siblings close in age playing (and fighting) together. My children are nearly 12 years apart. Through it I have learned to hear and trust God more.
thank you for sharing, sister. holding you in prayer.
We are just starting the process of looking into adoption to grow our family. The pain associated with the adoption journey scares me. God bless you and your giving heart!
praying and holding your process in prayer, sister!
Weve been married for 5 years, been trying for 4. Got our diagnosis of male infertility a year and a half ago, and we still struggle so much. What is God’s plan for us? We are both family oriented and have big, wonderful families. It is so difficult seeing others get pregnant so quickly, and we feel so barren. My husband feels at fault, and IVF etc can seem so tempting, even knowing what the church teaches. It is also hard to find others in the same position, there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of male infertility support or treatments. This post, and Claire’s instagram, help to remind me to keep the focus on Christ and that he does all things for His glory, that he has a plan for us. Jesus, you take over! I trust in you!
AMEN! praying, sister.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost two years now, and seeing our couple friends get pregnant unintentionally or without trying is so hard. I know we shouldn’t expect to have children (they truly are a gift and a miracle), but I’m definitely in that space of feeling like God doesn’t care and that something is wrong with us. Thanks for sharing your story – I hope to get to that place of accepting what God is willing for our lives.
So glad you’re here, sister, and praying for you.
My husband and I are struggling with secondary infertility. I have PCOS and endometriosis and he has low motility. We feel so blessed to have a beautiful daughter, but there has also been great pain in coming to terms with the fact that the family we have been given looks very different than the family we dreamed of having. I am having an ovarian wedge resection and endometriosis excision at the end of the month. Like Clare, my focus has shifted away from trying to force another baby and instead turned toward doing what I can to live the healthiest life possible. There are some days that are harder than others, but I am very slowly learning to abide in greater trust in the Lord.
Praying and thank you for sharing what’s been on your heart, sister.
Although my husband and I don’t experience secondary fertility, we experience infertility and will never be able to conceive a child between the two of us. Following the church teaching on assisted reproduction, we have decided to adopt children. Even though we have been on journey towards adoption for close to 3 years, I continue to pray and be hopeful that the Lord is calling me to be a mother through adoption. My heart hurts every time I hear of someone going through infertility.
thank you for your example and your story, sister!
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have struggled with infertility for most of that time. Just over six years ago, we conceived our beautiful son, David. He taught me more about love and being human and suffering than I would have thought possible. He had both a rare seizure disorder called Dravet Syndrome and juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. In spite of everything though, he was so happy and had the best personality ever. The day he learned to walk on his own was one of the best days of my life, that and hearing him trying to say mama, with help as we worked through his speech therapy. He died in his sleep when he was 3, just 2 months after starting preschool. That was 2 anda half years ago, and we have so far been unable to conceive another child. We have, in the meantime, become licensed as foster and adoptive parents through the state, but are still waiting for a placement, as we have been for 6 months now. Please pray for us. My heart aches to hold and teach another child who we can take into our home and love as our own, even if we do not conceive again. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing by wanting this so much, but I find it so difficult to even think of the idea that maybe David will have been our only child, either through birth or adoption, at least for a long time. The thought of not being able to be a mother to another child is so scary, but I truly try to trust in God’s plan, pray to Mary, and find other ways to give in love while I try to be patient in the waiting. Thank you so much for reading and for your prayers.
such a hard loss, sister! we are praying. thank you for trusting us with your story.
My husband and I also are facing secondary infertility. Our daughter was born in 2016 and a few weeks after she was born I hemorrhaged and had to have a D&C procedure to save my life and stop the bleeding. We got pregnant again on our very first try (baby due July 2019) and found out that the child had passed away. We waited for the miscarriage to occur naturally, however after more than a month of waiting this never occurred. I first chose to have a minimally invasive surgery in office but they could not successfully reach our child. Eventually I needed to have another surgery under general anesthesia and at that point they discovered I had an undiagnosed uterine septum which prevented our child who had passed away from miscarrying naturally. It also prevented them from reaching the child that had passed away. I have since had to have multiple surgeries to remove the septum and scar tissue that occurred from all of the trauma. Throughout this I also faced hospital stays due to post surgical infections.
Almost 6 months after that we found out we were expecting again. We were so excited, but I started bleeding at about 7 weeks and went to the ER. We were told the child had a strong heart beat and that everything would be fine. They almost made us feel like we were crazy for coming at all. Sadly when we went to the doc for our first ultrasound we found that she had also passed away. This child also would not miscarry naturally and I ended up needing another surgery. This occurred right before the covid lockdown began and I was unable to have follow up appointments until last month. Fast forward to today: I have severe Ashermans syndrome (uterine scarring) and it is unlikely we will be able to have more children. I plan to have procedures to remove the scar tissue which has become rather painful. There are silver linings in our pain though-All that we have been through really made me appreciate how much of a miracle our daughter really is.
Thank you for being so open with your journey! I came across your blog on Instagram and your faith is truly inspiring. Peter is a beautiful child and your family is lovely!
Oh friend! Thank you so much for sharing your journey! Praying for you.