Welcome to our first Blessed Chats series! Each month, we will dedicate an entire week of blog posts to a topic that affects many of us. These conversations often come up in our Facebook groups and in our real life friendships. We want to share a variety of perspectives on the topic at hand, so we’ve asked women to share their stories and how the teachings of the Church have guided and comforted them. In this first series, we’re talking all about fertility. We’d love for you to join the conversation!
We sat on the floor of his living room in a small house where he rented a room from a friend in Ypsilanti, Michigan. My feet pushed out the ottoman and my back rested against the couch. I stretched forward to my toes, arms out, forehead down. He began, “Well, we both come from families of five . . .” and the daydreaming about our someday-maybe-future family began.
I had a pretty good idea he would propose after I graduated law school in a few weeks. I had a pretty good idea of what our year apart while I worked and he finished school would look like. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what being married and having kids would look like.
I was flat-out wrong.
A few months later, we picked my wedding band with five small diamonds, partially for the symmetry and wistfully for that magic number five we joked about.
Honestly, with being Catholic and open to life and not using any birth control or contraceptives, I figured we’d have eight or nine kids. Married at twenty six with no gynecological health problems that I knew of and a mom who had no issues around babies—the sky and God’s providence would be our limit!
The Unexpected Surprise
Fast-forward to age thirty-seven, eleven years into marriage, already having welcomed four kids in six years. One evening I cried into my husband’s pillow—far be it from me to keep that mess to my own pillow—that I felt so awfully out of it, I could even be pregnant!
I had cycles like clockwork and figured this was just the hormone swing of PMS as I was on the brink of my cycle starting again. “FINE,“ I snotted into the pillow once more for good measure. These hormones will slow down in a few days.
But they didn’t.
The day came and passed. The next day came and passed. I pulled out my old stash of pregnancy strips, four years old now as our youngest was over three. One, two, three, four, five. That faint line couldn’t be it. I headed to the local pharmacy to buy the $16 two-pack tests. Both announced “you’re pregnant!” as I stared in the bathroom mirror.
I did the math over and over again: trying to figure out how this was physically possible given our peak day and phase-three intimacy. The numbers didn’t add up.
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Being Open to Life While Trying to Avoid Conception
The Catholic Church provided us with insights into discerning what being open to life actually meant. The Catechism of the Catholic Church discusses trying to avoid conception in section 2368:
For just reasons (de iustis causis), spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality.
Well, what is a just reason? The Church doesn’t give us a bright-line rule but rather guidelines for the individual couple to figure it out together. In his encyclical Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI writes that:
with regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.
The Reality of My Motherhood
For our family, the reasons evolved over time. The first two babies came with relatively easy births twenty-two months apart. Our second had the most peaceful water birth in a hospital with a midwife.
Our third babe was two weeks overdue, came barreling out at ten pounds, and left my body a bit of a postpartum Wreck of the Hesperus. I was re-hospitalized for a life-and-death uterine infection two weeks out and then treated for eight months for ongoing trouble from the two-hour repair surgery we’d undergone after he emerged.
We gingerly abstained and waited a little longer before being open to baby number four with a combination of the Creighton and Marquette Methods of NFP.
Another reason for us to avoid another babe was the crippling hyperemesis throughout my pregnancies. We managed it some with medications and IV fluids, but it made every day challenging to care for the little ones at home underfoot while trying to keep my body and the babe within healthy, too.
Our sweet and rowdy fourth baby was the one to push us deep into avoiding conception. She arrived in this world after many IV fluid bags and all sorts of unmentionable side effects to medication, dehydration, and nausea at nearly eleven pounds.
She got stuck in the birth canal with a condition called “shoulder dystocia,” suffering a brachial plexus injury and broken collar bone when she was born. My body was also broken open with split and torn ligaments, rendering me unable to walk and needing a pelvic floor physical therapist for a year postpartum.
Additionally, when she was nine months old, I began to experience a series of auto-immune disorder symptoms and have since worked with a neurological team to treat. The unknown condition left me bedridden many afternoons and evenings, another confirmation that a fifth baby wasn’t a prudent idea.
Joyful Acceptance of the Gift
So when I stood before my husband with an overflowing handful of positive pregnancy tests, he was surprised and also a little in disbelief. All of our years of obedience to Church teaching on chastity and abstinence in natural family planning flooded over me as well. How, but also why, God?
Minutes later, sitting in our little music room on an overcast morning while slurping his coffee, my husband remarked that NFP had worked. We were open to life always, even in our measured hormone levels and charting way.
So God found a way. Not a way to punish us but to stretch our hearts, minds, bodies, and trust in Him that this fifth babe was meant to be part of our family.
Never an Accident
In case you also need this reminder, as I did from my husband on that day, God never punishes us with children. New life is always a gift. Now it might take us a while to be ready to receive that gift, and that’s okay. God gives us a gift with the patient knowledge we might take time to warm up to it.
This baby isn’t an accident or a “whoopsie” (as an extended family member was quick and loud to proclaim about him). This baby is an unexpected surprise present. One who has already changed our minds and hearts and lives and will even more when he arrives in January 2021.
You might have a story like mine. You might have had an entirely different journey of finding your vocation, your number of children born from your heart or from your uterus, your “grave” or “just” reasons. But what we all encounter, and what I’m challenged to live out, is the joyful acceptance of God’s gifts. As mysterious and unpredictable as they are!
Anyone out there have stories of surprise babies? Please share your story with us in the comments below!
If you want more on the Church’s rich teachings on these engaging topics, our best-selling study, “Blessed Conversations: Rooted,” dives into the Catechism’s teachings and now offers a video companion series along with it featuring Theological Editor Susanna Spencer and Managing Editor Nell O’Leary. Get it here.
Blessed Chats: Fertility // A Surprise Baby #BISblog #blessedchats // Click To Tweet
Oh thank you thank you for this very important piece! Although my pregnancies and births are pretty textbook, I definitely struggled mentally and emotionally as we went from 4 kids to 5 and now expecting #6 in January. God is amazing at pushing us beyond. Keep up the stories of real life!
God is so good–especially when it’s hard for us!!
Surprise baby mama here! My husband and I went through Creighton training that began during our engagement, were married in October, trying to avoid conception as we adjusted to being newly married, and were surprised to find I was pregnant by the end of November. I was unemployed, had just moved, and had been married for less than two months. Add in first trimester hormones and I was a mess. I thought I knew what being open to life meant as I prayed with my new husband, until that pregnancy test told us of the new life within me. Fast forward a few months to the global pandemic, my husband getting laid off, not being able to receive the Sacraments, and not being able to build intentional friendships due to social distancing. It’s been a wild ride during our first year of marriage, but our daughter is here and we’re unbelievably blessed by this surprise gift God has given us. Because that’s what she is- a gift. You don’t turn down a birthday gift just because you weren’t expecting it; it might be exactly what you needed, or become your new favorite thing. Our plans have been turned upside down time and time again, but learning to trust God and His plan for our family is much better than trying to hold onto control that never lasts. After all, Mary and Joseph didn’t plan for Jesus, and where would we be without their “yes” and trust in God’s plan?
what an incredible story! And you’re so right about the Holy Family!
I love your analogy to a birthday gift! Such a great way to help others see the true gift of new life always!
…and as Grandma here I might add that the baby isn’t just a gift for the parents! So proud of my Becca
i love it!
We got married when I was 22 and my husband was 21. We were high school sweethearts that had dated long distance through college, which was especially crazy because my husband went to the Air Force Academy. Our plan was to get married, spend the summer together, and then I would be back at college for my final year of my master’s degree while he went to pilot training. We were both born and raised Catholic and had decided to do NFP, but I was a novice at tracking my unpredictable cycle.
After a wonderful visit over my Christmas break, I found out I was pregnant. I had to tell my husband over Skype, because we were once again across the country from each other. We were both a little stunned, but my shock wore off quickly as I dove in to the new adventure of pregnancy and babies. After a healthy pregnancy, I delivered my son without any complications. Two years later our beautiful daughter was born.
Because of my husband’s demanding job and many moves, we decided to postpone another pregnancy for several years. Finally, we thought it was the right time to try again. But God had other plans for our family. After being able to get pregnant literally without trying, another pregnancy did not happen. My son is nine years old now, and we have been trying (or not NOT trying) for another baby for over three years. It just isn’t happening right now. And I’m struck with overwhelming gratitude that God sent us our children earlier than we had expected. He knew the timing. We thought it was early, but it turns out it was just in time. Because if we had not been open to life so early in our marriage, if we did not have two beautiful children to love, this infertility would be a much much harder burden to carry. This would be excruciating. But as it is, it is a lesson that God is continuing to teach me about His timing and His plan for our family.
So even as I ride the emotional roller coaster each month, sometimes thankful that I’m not pregnant, sometimes mourning that I’m not, I am also incredibly thankful for my early, but still very much wanted, gift of children.
oh friend–thank you for sharing your joy and your sorrows! He does have the best time, even and especially when it’s hard for us.
Age 39, tired, five kids already (youngest with rare genetic condition causing physical and intellectual disabilities), sitting in my NFP-friendly ob-gyn’s office, reviewing charts, etc. Doc and I agreed, based on that evidence, there was no way I could be pregnant. But multiple home pregnancy tests, lab work, and ultrasound all confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. 30ish weeks later sweet baby Clare was born — the mellowest, easiest, most delightful baby. She remains a delightful (if occasionally feisty), funny, and kind five year old.
As my ob-gyn said, “Well, this wasn’t your plan. But it was someone’s plan.”
amazing!!!
Oh this piece was written for me… i needed to read that all children are a gift. Not a whoopsie but a surprise gift. I had twin girls this past summer and after a difficult pregnancy I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do it again. When the twins were 6 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I cried for a month and then it hit me: This baby is MEANT to be in our family. He arrives in November and we will have 4 under 4. I am so grateful now and I feel so happy but it sure didn’t start that way. The Lord soften my heart ❤
oh friend! i’m so happy for you! it is a leap of faith and love!
My husband and I married almost 10 years ago and started trying to get pregnant a year into marriage. We also wanted 5 kids! After 4 years of trying everything we morally could try (including surgeries at Creighton in Omaha) and zero pregnancies, we both felt called to adoption. Once we started the process we never looked back. At this point, we were hoping for just 3 kids.
Our son came through a family member just as we had started the process. What a miracle! Then many many failed adoptions later, our daughter came from a local agency. Another miracle!
The adoption process was just too hard on us so we decided, reluctantly but confidently, that we would be happy with our 2 beautiful children. So when our daughter was 7 months old we gave away all the baby stuff. It was hard and emotional, but we felt at peace.
One month later we found out I’m pregnant! What!?! How??? God always laughs at our plans 🙂 So here I am, 13 weeks pregnant and still in disbelief. A 3rd miracle!
God is so good!!!
2017 was a tough year. Our fourth baby was about 15 months old. He was diagnosed with a cranial abnormality and had just had a major surgery on his skull. We were also trying to homeschool our 3 older children. 4-5 weeks post surgery I took a pregnancy test because I was late. I fell to my knees and cried a river of tears out of fear and joy all wrapped up into one. I truly believed we were not going to have more, but God thought differently. The day I took the pregnancy test was the feast day of St. Padre Pio, so I promised if he would intercede for me during this difficult time, that Pio would be my child’s name. About 9 months later, our perfectly healthy Benedict Pio entered the world and we can’t imagine a moment without him.
what an incredible story. thank you for sharing!!
I was (Surprise) Baby #5 in my family and have been told by my parents and siblings that I added joy in a way they didn’t know they were missing. God has shown us that He has given me a unique role within my family and that has been one of my life’s greatest blessings. God bless you, Nell. St. Anne, pray for us.
So beautiful!! grateful for your prayers.
You’re amazing, Nell. So are all these other mommas! I will keep you in my prayers!
So kind, my friend!
This is beautiful and also a little scary–I recently had my first after years of trying to conceive and then a difficult high-risk pregnancy. Our baby is miraculously completely fine, but wasn’t expected to make it past the second trimester. We discovered that any future pregnancies will also be high risk. Not eager to repeat this experience anytime soon, we are looking at doubling up Creighton and Marquette, but I think my husband is still skeptical. Would love prayers as we move forward!
So many prayers, friend!
Beautiful! We, too, had an “unplanned” fifth baby. A surprise that left me feeling so overwhelmed that I may have thrown the positive pregnancy test at my sweet husband (as if it was solely “his fault”! ?). When that unexpected sweet babe arrived ON my 31st birthday, I realized that God had just given me the greatest birthday gift I could have ever asked for. 12 years later I am still dumbfounded that I could have ever felt even a teeny bit of dismay over her…she is the greatest gift that God knew our family needed! The perfect exclamation point for our family! Congratulations to you, Nell and family, and this gift of baby #5!
what a gift! thank you for sharing.
My story is slightly different. We were trying for baby number 4 and were excited when that little line appeared after our first month trying. Fast forward I was at my dating scan at approximately 11 weeks by myself due to Covid restrictions and the ultrasound tech asked me what my thoughts were on two babies. I hadn’t even started FaceTiming my husband yet. After hyperventilating for what felt like forever I called him and he was so reassuring and calming for me in that moment. Our identical twin boys (first boys in our family) will be born in January!
how incredible!!
Our journey has been nothing if not eventful. My husband and I married almost 20 years ago, open to life, practicing new nfp, but really expecting it to take a long time to become pregnant. Many of our friends had struggled with infertility.
Surprise! Our oldest daughter was born 10 months later. She was healthy but I hemorrhaged and required surgery and 2 blood transfusions to survive. I never regretted our daughter, but my husband and I were scared af what another pregnancy could mean. When our oldest was about 12 months, we began to think we were open once again. My OB looked at me and thanked me for my bravery when she told me I was pregnant. Sadly, we lost that baby and it required a d& c procedure. I began to wonder if that was it? God then blessed us with 2 more children so that we had 3 children, all under 4 and thought things were really following what we had discerned was right for our family.
I did some work on my own health and when #3 was almost 2 we began to pray for another little one. Sadly, all of those babies are with God.
I began to feel like people would look at us like frauds. We were so open to talking about NFP and being open to T least 5 kids, but here we were with 3…others don’t always know what is happening behind the scenes.
When our youngest was getting ready to head to kindergarten, having just begun to give away much of our gear, we learned we were pregnant. As school began, I went into early labor and ended up hospitalized. Our daughter was born 2 months early. We were blessed to have a good outcome and today she is the light of all of our lives and in 3rd grade.. A 2nd chance at more relaxed parenting. A snuggle bug for her older sisters. A beautiful miracle.
We have since had a few of what were likely early miscarriages and have no more kiddos. But, I am so grateful. Even the worst of our life experiences toward our family have been steps in grace and reminders of blessings.
what an incredible story, sister! Thank you for sharing.
I too have a surprise 5th baby. We had our first four in six years. When the youngest of those four was four and a half, I had surgery to remove a dermoid cyst on my ovary which resulted in my entire ovary being removed. A couple of weeks later, my period was overdue and I took a pregnancy test-it was positive! I had been pregnant at the time of the surgery, but too early for it to be detected by the pregnancy test I took at the hospital the day of the surgery! I had ovulated from the ovary I still had, if I had ovulated from the one that was removed, I would not have had the hormones to sustain the pregnancy. When that surprise baby was born, we found out that he had a surprise extra chromosome! He spent 3 weeks in the hospital as some minor heart defects healed and he learned how to eat. We brought him home and his older siblings loved on him (having older kids with a baby is AMAZING!). Then at 18 months, he was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia- which he was more likely to get because of the Down syndrome. He completed treatment on the 4th of July (yes, half of his treatment was during the pandemic) and he is now back at home being loved on by all of us! Our surprise baby has brought us many surprises and has taught us so much!
how incredible!!!
Hi all blessed sisters in Christ,
I’m a month of 2 boys (a year apart). I’m new to NFP. My challenges is that from the stories I have read, it seems like everyone using nfa ends up getting pregnant unexpectedly at some point. Although babies are a blessing, I still don’t understand how the method is still 99% effective if I should expect to get pregnant unexpectedly anyways.
I have read and listen to many people using nfp saying that switching to nfa came with freedom and peace. For me this has not been the experience. I’m filled with anxiety every time as I wait for my period to come. I feel like I’m going to go crazy and that this is neither healthy nor sustainable. Is there anyone with a word of advice?
Hi sister! When following the protocols for NFP correctly, statistically most women do not have unexpected pregnancies any more than women who are using birth control or whose husband’s have had vasectomies, hence the “effectiveness” percentages. Our series here has hoped to highlight the broad spectrum of the Catholic experiences with fertility. High anxiety around fertility is really truly hard! I would suggest working with a practitioner or expert in a particular method to help you, if that’s a possibility.
Thanks for the reply. Where I live I don’t think there’s any experts. I live in an Island. Do you have a contact, someone who offers online or telephone service maybe?
Billings folks are here: https://billings.life/en/contactbillingslife/contact.html
Marquette folks here: https://www.marquettemethod.com/
I hope that helps!