Do Not Be Unbelieving

“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my finger into the nail marks and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” // John 20:25

Could you really love me like this, Lord? 

Maybe I shouldn't go to Mass; I am too broken. 

Perhaps I am really too far gone. 

These were words that often ran through my mind that year before stepping into a chapel, and, while they usually went away, this time they stuck. I had given my life back to the Lord earlier that year and so desired to feel at peace with Him. But Mass after Mass, I still came in anxious and dripping in shame. All through Mass I prayed and prayed until I finally came to my wits’ end. 

I received the Eucharist and felt no consolation. In desperation, and with a boldness I had not known previously, I prayed, I will not walk out of this chapel until You heal me. I am not taking no for an answer. And a miracle He gave me. 

Moments after praying that prayer, I ran into two Dominican sisters whose pure gaze that night melted the final remnants of shame on my heart. I couldn’t sleep that night, for I was so giddy and happy. While I was tempted to feel sheepish about my bold and honest prayer, all I could do was laugh at His generous love and delight and good humor. I was daring to be sure, but He was all the more delighted. 

Sister, since that moment I have related to Saint Thomas in today’s Gospel (see John 20:24-29). His words were demanding no doubt, but paved the way for Christ to come in His mercy and show off His goodness to Saint Thomas. I know there may be prayers in your own heart that seem too bold to be prayed, but He desires to hear them and to show you the abundance of His heart. He is not surprised by your boldness; in fact, He is honored by it. Where is one place in your heart where He is inviting you to be bold and honest today?