Falling, Landing, and Crying

God, in your goodness, you have made a home for the poor.
A bountiful rain you showered down, O God, upon your inheritance;
you restored the land when it languished; your flock settled in it;
in your goodness, O God, you provided it for the needy.
// Psalm 68:10-11

My cheek was pressed into the cold floor while the remnants of tears pooled around my face. I was wrung out from what felt like hours of heaving sobs. It had happened. I had finally reached this unknown limit and was pushed over the edge and was falling, falling, falling.

My postpartum anxiety manifested in different ways. Most days, there was a constant low level of wariness and mental chatter. Would all the tasks get done? Would they all stay safe? Would I be able to handle the sleep deprivation, the work responsibilities, and the care-giving?

Day by day, I was languishing in this sea of anxiety. I did not see the toll it was taking, I was just trying to make it to the next day. I was falling.

And I landed . . .

. . . flat on my face, sprawled out on the floor, crying my eyes out, and fighting for breath. It had all become too much, and I broke down. I wondered what my family would think of me. I feared that I would scare my children, but the sobs kept coming. Little by little, I quieted myself until I was an empty shell. My husband picked me up and helped me to the bathroom. I sat on the floor of the tub and let the water wash over me.

Over the next days, weeks, and months I asked for help. I reached out to beloved friends who prayed over me. I reached out to the mental health department of my healthcare provider. I started my medication again. I prayed. I fed myself. I bathed. I took it day by day.

In that anguish and brokenness, the Lord walked alongside me. I felt His presence in the emptiness. It wasn’t a sweeping recovery. It wasn’t a miraculous 180-degree mental health turn around. It’s been the slow, daily steps towards recovery. He’s restoring the languished land of my soul. He’s giving me the tools to survive and thrive and the knowledge to know I’m not alone.

Sister, you are never alone. Lean on Him in all that burdens you. He has made a home for us.

Lean on Him in all that burdens you. // @substance_soulClick to tweet

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