I sat back up on the exam table, and began peppering my doctor with questions about potential treatment plans. I was suffering from an infection that had already killed two of my children in utero. This new reality had shaken me to the core. I never expected this kind of trial after my first three kids came so quickly. It was not until we lost two of the last three pregnancies that we realized something was wrong. Now I was waiting the long wait of those hoping for healing and babies, and it was hard to not feel so alone.
“Sorry,” I told her, “I am just bad at waiting, but I guess this is a good chance to become more patient.” She laughed at my self-analysis, assuring me that we would know what to do next soon. I closed my eyes and reached out to God, asking Him for the strength to bear this trial longer.
Like the Apostles in the Gospel today, I had waited for Him by the boat, only embarking when I was sure the time was right, but now it felt like "[i]t had already grown dark, and Jesus had not yet come." (John 6:17) I clung to my husband in the boat as we crossed the rough sea of this journey. I sought in the depths of my soul and reached to the heavens in prayer for some glimmer of hope.
The next week I got a call from the doctor; the infection had responded to the treatment. Things were okay for now.
"It is I. Do not be afraid." (John 6:20) There Jesus was, to my surprise, walking along the water. Following close beside the whole time. The sun came out as the storm cleared away. I called Him into the boat, but then it bumped against the shore. We were already there together.
I do not know what will happen next, what God’s plan is for the future. There may be more storms to encounter, but for now there is a reprieve. The complications may return, but I will strive to hold onto the reality that Jesus is always close to those seeking to do His will. I will hope in Him in the storm.
Dearest sisters, sometimes the hardest part of following God is faithfully doing what He has asked us to do while waiting for Him to reveal Himself to us. Do not be afraid in the long, lonely uncertainty of this life. He is with you.
Susanna Spencer is the Theological Editor for Blessed is She who studied theology and philosophy in her earlier life. She happily cares for her three adorable little girls, toddler boy, and her dear husband in Saint Paul when not writing and editing. She loves beautiful liturgies, cooking delicious meals, baking amazing sweets, reading good books, raising her children, casually following baseball, and talking to her philosopher husband. You can find out more about her here.