Today's First Reading always makes me somewhat queasy.
David goes to great lengths, all to cover up his own sin. The wheeling and dealing and scheming and murder. It's disgusting.
Then I roll over in my memory the times I've sinned, tried to cover it up, tried to stifle the messenger. Maybe my conscience is the Uriah in these scenarios.
I had this college boyfriend whom everyone thought was a bad idea. Everyone except for me, who had fallen head over heels for the idea of someone needing me and caring about me. Roommates asked who I was having dinner with? Oh, a friend from class. Sisters asked why I never answered their calls when I was gone late at night? Oh, drove to see a friend, and we got caught up in things.
I lied to those closest to me, and I never wanted to face what it was about him they didn't approve of. When I spent all my time spinning and covering up the who/what/where/whens of my dating life, squelching my pangs of maybe you should just tell them, I didn't have to be honest with myself about the damage living a double life was causing on the inside.
If you're caught up in the hamster wheel of covering your own rear, defending choices you know are probably wrong, and wanting to kill your conscience or silence your critics, just stop and look around, sister.
By the time I finally did, I turned to the Lord and faced the music. A good Confession to the priest and to my loved ones meant I could live in the light. And I had never felt more free.
The Lord wants freedom from habitual sin for you, too.
This quick guide to forming a conscience can help remind us how to do it, and how to stick close to it.
Nell O'Leary is a recovering lawyer turned blogger, speaker, and sewer of baby goods while tending to her husband and four kiddos in the great city of Saint Paul, Minnesota. She serves as Managing Editor for Blessed is She and can down a hot cocoa in no time flat. Find out more about her here. She is the editor of our Blessed Conversations Series and guide for the Gift of You course.