Laughter and Pain

Today is my daughter's birthday, she is one, and those are words I never really believed I'd ever get to say.

When I became Catholic in 2013 I made a promise to embrace one of the tenants I really struggled with—to say goodbye to contraception and welcome God's plan for my motherhood. Within a month I was pregnant with my second child, and within two months my second baby, a boy I've always believed, was gone. Three more babies followed that loss over the next two and a half years and all of them called home by Him before we ever saw their faces. My family of seven definitely didn't look like I expected. It was my dark night of the soul and not something I ever thought I would have to live through and there was the usual steps of grief and mourning—anger, denial, depression, bargaining and eventually acceptance.

On October 1st, 2016 my husband and I visited the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Wisconsin and for the first time, I did not arrive to bargain or scream or beg. I went there to accept whatever it was God wanted of me and for the first time, I left with no expectation and a lot of peace.

I understood why Sarah laughed in the First Reading. Three weeks later and nine months later, to the day of our visit to the Shrine, on July 1st, 2017 I gave birth to my sixth child, my daughter.

I think Sarah laughed because she must have, just that morning, accepted her lot in life, just like me. I think Sarah laughed because it was better than giving voice to all the memories of all the months she too spent bargaining, begging and screaming at God, just like me. I think Sarah laughed because as much as she wanted to trust, it must have hurt so much to remember the months turning into years of waiting, just like me. I totally understand—I laughed too, just like her.

I hope anyone reading this today who is going through their own dark night waiting for a child, waiting for a husband, waiting for that sign from God will remember the words of the Angels to Sarah—there is nothing too marvelous for the Lord to do. I don't know what that marvelous thing will be for you. If you are waiting for your rainbow baby or any baby, I pray fervently that you will have a happy ending, too. But I do know that God is the God of miracles, big and small, and I hope one day, when He shows you your marvelous part in His grand story, that you'll catch yourself laughing and remember that Sarah laughed, too.

I know that God is the God of miracles, big and small.Click to tweet

Let us pray together, today, sisters, for a trusting in God's grand story.

Molly Walter is the Blog Manager for Blessed is She, a Catholic convert, wife and mother to two children on Earth and four babies called home to Jesus. She has a deep love of her faith, her family, literature, handcrafts, gardening, and Star Wars. When not working full time outside the home or wrangling her next family adventure, she blogs about all the good things in life. You can find out more about her here.