“Beloved: Where do the wars and where do the conflicts among you come from? Is it not from your passions that make war within your members?” // James 4:1
I knew what I had to do; I just didn’t want to do it. A hard conversation with a dear friend was looming and it felt like a monstrosity of a task at the time. It was as if a war raged within me—I knew what I ought to do, it was just easier not to.
I knew what I had to do; I just didn’t want to do it. I’d committed to a weekly obligation that I was now frustrated with myself for making. Six more months of this!? I thought to myself. It was my commitment to keep against my desire to bail.
I knew what I had to do; I just didn’t want to do it. It was that time within my day that I’d blocked off for a workout. No part of me wanted anything to do with it. No one would know. It was my word to myself against my deep desire to do something else.
I knew what I had to do; I just didn’t want to do it. Our five-year-old wanted another glass of milk, but I had just finally sat down for the first time that day. I grumbled as I got up again—forgetting the fact that I was living in an answered prayer.
We are human, and some days are better than others—Jesus understands. Yet how often is it that I allow my passions, my personal wants, and my pursuits to overtake what I know He needs me to do today? And how often do I show up with fists clenched, dragging my feet, rather than with hands wide open at a pace that He alone has set for me?
Jesus, teach me today to receive Your abundant love, so that I may empty myself in the ways You call me to. May I not fear the emptiness. Help me to recognize each duty and responsibility I have as placed in my hands purposefully by You. Guide me today to appreciate each gift a bit more—that I may fight the wars within knowing You're here by my side.
Shalini Blubaugh is a Minnesota transplant living in Coppell, Texas. She served with NET Ministries and went on to graduate with her J.D., though happily left all things law behind. Along with her roles as wife and mom, she now runs her own company, Pray. Train. Grow., as a Certified Fitness Trainer and Nutritional Therapy Practitioner. Her mission is to help Catholic women grow STRONG in mind, body, and heart through the integration of Faith, fitness and food.
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