Hands folded on the kitchen table, I sat bleary eyed staring at the scratches on its wooden surface. I was coming down from one of those gut-wrenching sobs with my eyes swollen and wet, spasms in my chest, and a numbness in my fingertips.
It was all too much. I was trying to plan how to manage my work schedule, my husband’s work schedule, the kids’ daycare and school schedules all on top of bills, cooking, cleaning, and a world-wide pandemic. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down. It all felt like too much and too hard and too impossible.
And I was angry.
That night, I was in bed, tossing and turning, head aching from my earlier crying and completely unable to relax. I looked up at the ceiling and exasperated, I said to God:
Ugh, on top of EVERYTHING, You’re going to deny me sleep too!
And in His gentleness and mercy, in His fatherly love and affection, He told me, "I know your works, your labor, and your endurance" (Revelations 2:2).
He sees me—in all my suffering and stress. Sometimes, I need to be reminded that the Father sees me as His beloved daughter. He knows everything that is on my heart. He knows the joys and sorrows, the triumphs and failures. He sees it all, and He loves me in all my mess and anger.
That gives me hope. He may not remove every cross, but He makes the load lighter.