I took a pregnancy test last week. It was negative. It was negative like all of the other negative tests I’ve taken. And all of those tests over all of those years are probably now sitting in a landfill somewhere, each with its own prayer attached to it. Because right before my eyes meet that lonely pink line waiting for me on the result window, I whisper out a prayer from the quiet longing of my heart.
And I sometimes wonder if He hears me at all. Is my voice too weak? Is my prayer too shallow? Is my heart too cold? Because over and over my heart pleads for life to flood my empty belly, and over and over I am met with that solitary line.
And it all feels so familiar. Because just four years ago, I sat with that very same prayer on my lips. The negatives kept corroding my faith and my heart kept beckoning for help. And then one day, I looked down at the test and saw life.
We named that life Judah, which means “praise.” Because for ten years we prayed for him, for ten years we swallowed the vitamins and took the hormones and pleaded for God to intervene. And He did. He heard the cry of our hearts, and so now we praise.
But those pesky negatives have somehow made their way into our lives again, and the prayers we whisper out into the stillness still seem to echo out into a void. Yet there is hope in this darkness. Because when your prayers ache with the longings of your heart, it is often easy to forget about all of the ways God has heard your cries. It’s easy to push past the answers you’ve received and see only the silence that billows out before you.
He hears you, sister. Sometimes you need only look back at your own life to see that truth. And when the waves of doubt meet you in the silence, rest in the testimony of your past.
These powerful prayers when struggling with fertility are beautiful.
Brittany Calavitta is an enthusiastic advocate for a good book, strong coffee, and a hopeful heart. After battling years of infertility, she and her husband welcomed their first child on September 11, 2016. You can find out more about her here.