Entering my first year of college, I felt very abandoned by God. The person whom I had once loved the most betrayed and hurt me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I tried to fill that void and the hurt with anything other than God.
I knew what I was doing was wrong and against everything I had been taught. I knew I was abandoning God despite my powerful conversion that took place within my heart the year prior. Before this spiral, I had been down the same road too many times, and I knew deep down that it would not work. Within my stubbornness, I found myself rejecting the Perfect Love I knew.
Even in my pain, hurt, and brokenness, I found myself in the chapel after months of not going to church and praying, because nothing else made sense to me other than Him. I spent hours in that chapel, not understanding why this was all happening, crying out in anger to the Lord, because my life was crumbling, and I was directionless. Yet, His voice so lovingly and so softly consoled me as He said to my heart, Trust in Me.
The Beginnings of Trust
That summer, I found myself back living in my parents' house. Amidst feelings of defeat, the summer ahead looked promising and hopeful.
During the last month of the spring semester, I had decided to leave my university and transfer to their online addiction counseling program. I did not know what I was doing, if it even would be a good fit, or would even work out. Yet the Lord’s words echoed, Trust in Me, as I met with my advisor and decided to change my major. They still echoed when all my possible living arrangements fell through. His words remained true when my family was grieving the loss of my grandpa. His words still remained true when the year-long restraining order I had on my ex-boyfriend ended and I was scared to go anywhere. The Lord is faithful and His promises are lasting and fulfilling.
By the grace of God, I ended up finding a place to live. My family became closer as we went through the trials together of my grandfather dying. I heard nothing and never ended up seeing my ex-boyfriend, despite my fears. I ended up loving online school, and my passion for my new major flourished. That never would have happened if I had stayed where I was the year prior.
Resistance Leads to Choosing Trust
I spent most of that prior year incredibly angry at the Lord. And I remember telling my mother about this and how I was so frustrated and sad that my relationship with God and my view of Him had changed so much. Listening intently, she told me, “He can take it, Anna, and He still waits for you.”
Around the end of the summer, I was asked to be a small group leader at the youth group I was a part of in high school. I remember thinking to myself, Are they sure they want me? Am I going to be a good example for these girls? I barely practiced the faith last year and am hesitant to start again—is that what they want?
I chose to trust in the Lord. They wanted me for a reason, and maybe this would aid me in starting my faith journey again. I remember talking to some of the other female leaders about this as the year started out, and I was met with love and acceptance from these women. They wanted me there, and they were sure that the Lord wanted me there too. Hesitant and timid at first, I was reminded of the Lord’s persistent love for His children.
During one of the retreats we went on as a youth group, there was a speaker that talked about experiencing a very deep loss in her life. Even in the anger and the pain of this loss, she still chose to trust in the Lord, and this spoke to my heart and life very deeply. It was in that moment that I knew it was possible for me to fully turn back to Him. Without fear or hesitation, I accepted the Lord back into my life. It has been a process, but He has been with me every step of the way and is always there to pick me up when I fall.
A Word of Encouragement
My dear sister, even during uncertainty, unknowns, and trials that never seem to end, He holds us close to Him. Even when we feel so far away, He never lets go of His gaze on us. A verse that became a great comfort to me in this time was Isaiah 30:18: “Truly, the LORD is waiting to be gracious to you, truly, he shall rise to show you mercy; For the LORD is a God of justice: happy are all who wait for him!” My encouragement for you all is that He is with us in the waiting, hurt, and discomfort. He is inviting us to trust in Him, even if we are hesitant and stubborn.
A Simple Prayer: Deepen My Trust, Oh Lord
I invite you to close your eyes and pray this prayer with me:
Lord, I know You are good. I know You are here, even when I do not feel Your love or understand what You are doing in my life. I choose to trust in You. Give me the strength and the courage to trust in You. Soften my heart, Lord, and give me the grace to accept Your love. For You know better than me. I trust in You. Amen.
Anna Damm is a 22-year-old online college student at the University of Mary. She is pursuing her Bachelor of Science degree in addiction counseling. She lives in St. Paul, Minnesota, and loves her family, coffee, weightlifting, and autumn.
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