I always thought that it would come naturally to me. That I would meet that perfect guy and no matter what, we would make it work. Because love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice—that you wake up each morning and choose to love that person.
However, the more I’ve dated, the more I’ve wondered if I know how to make that choice myself.
What is Love?
When I began questioning what love before marriage looks like, I looked to the Catechism of the Catholic Church for answers. I flipped to the glossary, expecting to find a straightforward definition that would ease my mind. But in place of a definition, it simply read:
And so I flipped back to the C’s, seeking out my answer.
According to the Catechism, charity is “the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God” (CCC § 1822).
Meditating on this for a moment, it seemed like I found an answer, but it was almost too simple for the gigantic question I had built up in my mind. The solution came to me almost in bullet points, the answer to the question: What is love?
- God is love.
- Love is willing the good of the other.
- If you aren’t leading someone to God, are you really loving them?
What Happens When We Don’t Lead That Person to God?
As a single woman, love inside of marriage seemed straightforward. Together, you bring one another to Christ and are bound together forever in front of Him. Serving and loving Him alone, together, for all eternity, your destination is Heaven, and you get there together.
Dating is more complicated, because it’s much less binding, especially in the beginning.
In a new relationship, I don’t want to take things too seriously, too fast. I’m still getting to know this person, after all. At the same time, questions rush around in my mind every time I start a new relationship. How much of our spiritual life overlaps? When should we start going to Mass together? What elements of physical affection are okay and what elements are sinful? Is it too early to talk about expectations?
Time and time again, I find myself falling into the trap of centering my life on my own imagined future rather than the future God wants for me! The end goal in dating isn’t about getting to Heaven; it’s about getting married. When in reality, it should be the other way around.
Catholic women hear a lot about the idolization of marriage, but I hadn’t truly taken this to heart until I was forced to confront a hard (but basic) truth: You shouldn’t marry someone if you’re not leading each other closer to Christ.
Looking back over my relationships, I halfheartedly ran to the Lord with the person I was dating, but it was done selfishly. Most of the time, I hoped that person would become who I wanted them to be rather than being legitimately invested in who they are and their spiritual growth. And when it came to talking about the future, I only allowed myself to invest up until marriage when in reality I needed to consider building a life together, all the way to Heaven.
All those memes about the world ending on your wedding night are funny, but they highlight a very real problem among Christian young adults. We are not living for God, or preparing for Heaven. Instead, we can go through the motions of prayer and sacrifice in order to live out what we perceive to be a “perfect” Christian life—marriage, kids, family Rosary every evening—instead of living in whatever moment God has us in so that we might seek perfection in eternity.
What are We Truly Called To?
In her autobiography Story of a Soul, Saint Thérèse coined the phrase, “My vocation is love.” And she was right!
No matter what our state of life is, our vocation doesn’t begin at the altar. In our specific vocation of marriage or holy orders, our priority will be to bring our spouse to Heaven, or our fellow religious. However, our calling is much deeper and more challenging than that. Our calling is to bring God’s love and light to each and every person we encounter—our friends, our family, strangers we meet and talk to once, and yes, even our exes.
Love in dating is still sacrificial. It is still a choice, not just a feeling. Because God is love, and if our relationships are not centered in Christ, we are not loving our significant other well enough. And therefore, we certainly are not prepared for a lifetime with that person.
In the dating season, seek Christ above all else. Go to His wedding feast (the Mass) as often as you can. Understand His deep, unending love for you and for everyone you meet. And even if you die before ever getting married, life will still be beautiful.
Zoe Seaman is a young woman trying (really hard) to become the person the Lord desires her to be. She’s also the author of After the Heart, a blog devoted to chasing after Christ. You can typically find her going on spontaneous solo adventures, reading Flannery O’Connor, or in Adoration. You can also find her on Substack at @aftertheheart or Instagram at @after.the.heart
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