At forty-two years old, I’ve spent my entire adult life single. I’ve certainly liked men (though to be honest it’s rare to make a connection), been on a few dates (even more rarely), and have even thought I was in love (spoiler: it wasn’t). But my dating history can largely be described as situationships, long before the word was adopted into the modern vernacular. And I don’t think I’m alone.
There’s a reason “situationship” (i.e., a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established) has entered the universal lexicon. In this modern age, both men and women are struggling with romantic relationships. Many young people, afraid of or unskilled at emotional intimacy, end up in non-committal relationships, seeking the benefits without the boring or hard stuff. Whether sought out or simply settled for, situationships rob both parties of their dignity and the opportunity to grow in sacrificial love of another, eroding the virtues of hope and trust we are meant to exercise in relationships.
Especially for those raised in a broken or dysfunctional home where a happy, healthy marriage was not modeled, we must actively push against the temptation in dating to treat each other—and our hearts—casually. And instead, we must seek out examples of holy and committed marriages to show us the way in both courtship and marriage.
Enter the Saints
One Saturday morning as I leisurely browsed rows of Catholic books, I had the distinct sense that the Lord had something to show me. This keen awareness was heightened when my eyes rested on a beautiful cover depicting the meeting of Saints Ann and Joachim. The title? Courtship of the Saints: How the Saints Met their Spouses by Patrick O’Hearn.
What Patrick didn’t know is that whenever I meet a married person, my favorite question for them is always, “How did you meet your spouse?” Standing there in the bookstore I wondered, How had I never thought to ask the Saints the same thing?
Sure, we might understand intellectually that vocation is the vehicle to holiness, but rarely do we consider the real marriages of actual Saints as a framework for our own preparation and discernment. The vision we lack for our lives can be found in the married Saints’ fidelity to God and their spouse through the sacramental grace of marriage. No other foundation will endure life’s difficulties and unknowns.
This, my friends, is the marriage preparation we desperately need.
Heaven as the Goal
As Catholic women, you and I were baptized into and belong to the Kingdom of God. We are citizens of Heaven. Yet many of us do not understand this eternal reality so we live like everyone else, and we date like the world dates. Instead, we need to adopt the cultures and customs of the Gospel when it comes to courtship and marriage.
While witty banter, physical attraction, and shared interests can all contribute to that elusive spark we desire to feel, there are far more important qualities required for a happy and holy marriage. Here the witness of Blessed Charles (Karl) of Austria and Servant of God Zita of Bourbon-Parma reminds us of the true purpose of love.
Inspired by the love of his aunt and uncle, Karl sought a faithful wife with whom he could build a holy marriage and a beautiful life. He had known Zita in childhood and when the two were reacquainted, they became close friends before Karl proposed. On their wedding day, the saintly emperor told Zita, “Now, we must help each other to get to Heaven” (O’Hearn p. 56).
Like Karl and Zita, we must begin with the end in mind. Heaven is our ultimate hope, so it should be the ultimate goal when it comes to courtship and marriage. A holy marriage won’t happen by accident. We must be committed to this ideal first for ourselves and then look for the same values in the person we wish to spend our lives with.
Trust in the Waiting
Saint Gianna Berretta Molla was thirty-three years old when she married the love of her life, Pietro Molla, who was forty-three. A trained physician, she dreamed of being a missionary with her priest brother in Brazil. But in 1954, she made a pilgrimage to Lourdes, France, with the intention of asking our Lady “to let her meet the man who would be her spouse, the man that the Lord had prepared for her since eternity” (p. 150).
On December 8, 1954, the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, Saint Gianna was reintroduced to her future spouse Pietro Molla and began to fall in love. Our Lady’s intercession was at the center of their love story. And she desires to do the same for us. We can trust that God, through Mary’s intercession, will “make all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28), even and especially our waiting.
Courage in Courtship
Both Saints Louis and Zélie Martin had hearts set on religious life. They desired to love and serve Jesus with their whole lives, but for different reasons were both prevented from pursuing those dreams. Instead each one surrendered to God’s will and opened their hearts to another vocation: marriage.
This saintly couple first encountered one another while crossing a bridge in Alençon, France. In Courtship of the Saints, O’Hearn points out that their meeting on St. Leonard’s bridge “would become an apt metaphor as God led Louis and Zélie from a world of singleness and uncertainty to a world of marriage entailing sacrifice, suffering, deep union, and mission” (p. 109).
It can be vulnerable to open ourselves up to others, to love. We need God’s help to make us courageous enough to step out of our routines and fears and into something new and wonderful. Courage to open our hearts to the Lord, to listen to Him in discernment, to wait to be pursued, to then respond graciously, and to unveil our hearts over time to a man God deems worthy of our priceless hearts, a man who has earned it.
Our vocational path will no doubt look different from the one we imagine, but in the face of discouragement or disappointment, remember that God, the Author of Life and Faith, knows how to write a great love story. We need only to have the courage to be patient as it unfolds and smile back when we pass a man on a bridge.
Holy Mentor Couples
Blessed Karl and Servant of God Zita, Saint Gianna and Pietro Molla, and Saints Louis and Zélie Martin are more available for intercession than we know. Consider enlisting them or your own patron Saints to be on your own personal vocation committee in Heaven. So as you wait for the gift of your vocation, especially when discouragement strikes, you can turn in trust to Jesus and the Saints, knowing that they know it all and they’re way ahead of you.
Look for more on this topic tomorrow, as Beth explores "How to Be Single Like a Saint."
Beth Davis is a lover of Jesus, a retired youth minister, the Director of Formation for Blessed is She. She is passionate about teaching women how to develop an intimate relationship with Jesus in prayer through writing, speaking, and mentorship. Her favorite things include being the favorite aunt to her five niece and nephews, making friends everywhere she goes, and whatever book she’s currently reading.
Walk with Us this Advent
Get Your Prayerful Planner
