Shedding My Self-Sufficiency

But the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. // Romans 8:26 

I did not think I would fall back so quickly into my old ways, but there I sat on a Thursday morning with hot, silent tears going down my face in embarrassment and frustration. 

Really . . . Again? I thought to myself, wiping another tear. I had just come off a silent retreat, and it did not take very long to lose my peace and find myself falling into sinful ways again. I figured I would come down shining and renewed like Moses coming down glowing from Mount Sinai, but instead came back . . . grumpy. Wondering where I had gone wrong in losing my peace from the retreat, I anxiously ran through all the options to retrace my steps. Maybe I needed to redo the meditations or scour my journal, pray another Rosary, or just force myself to get it together or simply give up. 

As I sat with my tears of frustration rolling down my face, I heard a whisper in my heart: “Ask the Holy Spirit to pray with you and pray for you. He is rooting for you.” These words silenced me, and it was then I remembered Saint Paul’s own words to the Romans from today’s Second Reading (see Romans 8:26-27). I realized then I was clothed in self-sufficiency instead of supplication and had forgotten the very graces I had received on the retreat. 

Sister, for many of us it’s time to shed the self-reliant garment we have been wearing for years—the one that turns us inward and, in blinding us from reality, makes us think we can and should do this on our own. Let the Spirit come to the aid of your weakness. Let Him gently show you the ways in which He desires to provide for you and in you. He has not been sent to stand on the sidelines of your heart judging, but to fight the fight within you. Will you let Him show you where He wants to intercede with and for you today?