Listening In Charity

[T]hey did not understand this saying; its meaning was hidden from them so that they should not understand it, and they were afraid to ask him about this saying. // Luke 9:45

It was an unseasonably warm February evening in northern Michigan, and everything smelled of wood smoke and maple sugar. All that day, the kids and I had been boiling maple sap into syrup over a wood fire in our backyard. I was catching up with family over drinks at our patio table, tending the fire, enjoying the early burst of spring weather.

As our conversation deepened, my beloved family member shared that I had hurt her—something I said months ago had lodged itself like a splinter in her soul and had been festering. My heart sank as she haltingly told me what I had said to hurt her. As it turned out, she had totally misunderstood my words. I clarified what I meant and apologized for her unnecessary pain. For weeks afterward I was bewildered and upset that a mere misunderstanding had caused a rift in our relationship.

Recently, I learned a new communication tool. Instead of listening to respond, you listen to understand, pausing to repeat your companion’s words back to ensure you’ve understood their meaning correctly. This strategy, coupled with a charitable commitment to believe the best of the other, could transform many relationships. But how often do we jump to the most negative conclusion, assuming the worst of others? Or feel embarrassed that we don’t understand, unwilling to say, “I don’t know what you mean by that. Could you please explain?”

The disciples in today’s Gospel were guilty of this, too, when they heard that Jesus was “to be handed over to men” (see Luke 9:43-45). Saint Luke wrote that the meaning was hidden from them, but also that they were afraid to ask. I wonder what made them afraid? Was it pride? Not wanting to seem ignorant or dense? 

Human relationships require patience, time, and so much grace. The next time an interaction with loved ones starts to heat up and get tense, take a deep breath. Listen to understand. Ask questions when you feel offended. Assume the best and respond in love. Jesus, help us to love others as we love ourselves.