My Divided Soul

But he knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be laid waste and house will fall against house.” // Luke 11:17

There are a lot of types of deception, but I think one of the most painful is when we deceive ourselves. 

I know when I have sinned—but not yet reached the point where I acknowledge the need to repent and seek forgiveness—that I experience an almost physical discomfort. Part of me wants to continue acting as if nothing has happened. I would like to deceive myself into thinking the sin can just be forgotten without consequence. The sins that have made me feel the worst are often not seen by others. 

I mistakenly keep pretending that my conscience can be ignored. If I keep acting like nothing happened, surely my conscience will just forget the whole thing! 

But that internal struggle feels like a physical grip on my insides in times of silence, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, popping up when I take a shower. My soul is in effect divided. My soul cannot continue in such a state. The struggle will either pull me into more numbing sin, or be cleansed and healed if I seek out the Sacrament of Reconciliation. 

Sister, when we are attached to sin our souls are like a house divided, but we cannot remain that way. We will either ultimately serve God or choose to not serve.

Jesus calls us today to live a life of interior integrity in Him—to let Him make us whole. This integrity is only possible through His grace: both the grace He gives us when we seek restoration and forgiveness in Confession, and the grace He gives us through the wisdom of His Church, in giving us the teaching and understanding to form our consciences to know and love Him. It is not enough to merely reject sin; we must also fill our minds and hearts with what is good and true. His forgiveness cleans out the sin and His truth fills us up again.

Just as we can always grow nearer to the Lord in prayer, we can also continue to draw closer to Christ through learning more about the Faith through the teachings of the Church.* 

*Check out our Blessed Conversations Study on the Catechism.