My friend, I don’t have words. I don’t have anything eloquent or appropriate or soothing to say after hearing the news about our beloved Church the past two months. I am struggling to articulate anything without just bursting into tears at my keyboard.
On Friday I stopped by a local Korean church. I am not Korean nor do I know Korean, but I heard from a friend that the church has an adoration chapel. I knocked on the door at the office of the church and asked the sweet woman about the chapel and if I could go pray for five minutes.
She led me up to the chapel where she told me to take off my shoes and put on their slippers to enter the chapel.
I thanked her effusively, so grateful for her kind and trusting heart that let me in to see Jesus in the monstrance.
They didn’t have chairs in this chapel, they didn’t have beautiful lighting or any extravagent paintings or stained glass windows.
They just had Jesus, exposed in this small monstrance right in front of a little table with a Korean Bible and a thin mat to kneel on.
It was all I needed, this small, simple space.
I shuffled in with my pink slippers and knelt down on the mat, a space He made just for me, and I bent over, and I wept.
I didn’t have words to say to Him. I didn’t have any emotions to articulate other than profound grief.
My head lay next to this open Korean Bible, rosary, and saint cards, and I was just weeping in front of our Lord.
And that’s all I am doing today. My heart is grieving.
I am in pain. I am in shock.
The only solace that came was knowing that Jesus was close to to me. That I was physically near my Savior. That He weeps along with me, holds me, and grieves with me.
I wish I had better words. I wish I had some words. But I don’t.
We have a blog post coming out on Tuesday that will have some concrete thoughts and ideas written by a few Blessed is She writers. We’ve been talking with our Spiritual Advisor here at Blessed is She, we’ve been praying, we’ve been brainstorming, we’ve been grieving for our Church.
I’m grateful for these women and those in our Church who have words when I cannot seem to articulate any. I’m grateful for those who are picking up their rosaries and praying for our Church. I’m grateful for those who are letting their righteous anger move them to action.
I’m grieving for you, if you’ve been abused. I’m grieving for you whose family has been abused. I’m grieving for each and every one of us who feels the great pain that I feel.
I love you. I am grateful for your presence here. I am grateful for this communion of sisters in Christ who come together and lean on each other when we are grieving and who can hold each other up when we are tired.
I am sorry for this pain. I am sorry for this grief. I am sorry for the sins of those in the Church who give us Jesus in the sacraments. I am sorry for the sins of men who should be in jail for the evil they committed.
I am sorry that I don’t have the words to take away this pain.
But I will go back to that chapel and bring all of you with me in spirit, to sit in front of the Lord, to let His presence soak into my soul, and to weep with our Comforter.
The Lord is close. He weeps with us.
Jenna Guizar is a wife and mama in sunny AZ. She pretends to love football for her husband, reads lots of books to her daughters, and tries not to burn mac n cheese on the daily. In between tweeting, reading books, and [not] burning mac n cheese, she is the Founder + Creative Director of Blessed is She women’s ministry + community. Find out more about her here.