As I sat across from my confessor in the back of a dark church with praise and worship filling the space, I was given advice that would change the way I look at prayer forever:
“You need to be honest with the Lord. You need to share everything with Him, and if you’re upset, you need to tell Him. If you’re happy, you need to tell Him. You can even be angry with Him if that’s you being honest . . . You need to talk to Him like He’s a real person who understands your feelings, because He is—and He does. He desires a real relationship with you.”
These words came to me at a time I needed them most. At nineteen, I was spiritually depleted, cared too much about what people thought, and compared my life to those closest to me. I was volunteering with a youth group at the time, and though I loved ministering to the young men and women who were genuinely seeking the Lord, my effort to seek Him was at a standstill. My soul was bone dry, and I couldn’t admit that to myself. Even worse, I wouldn’t allow myself to admit that to Jesus . . . that is, until the night I brought it up in Confession.
The words of my confessor stuck with me and gave me the permission I needed to tell the Lord how I felt, truly and unabashedly. Returning to my pew, I had my first brutally honest prayer session with God. I laid it all out there—what I was frustrated with, how I was blaming Him for the things happening (or not happening) to me, and how I wanted to trust Him but didn’t know how. There was so much freedom that came with this invitation to pray honestly.
This freedom with the Lord has been one that I have sought after and fought for ever since that night. Seasons change and so does one’s relationship with God, and believe me—I have been through many highs and lows. The key is to remember that He is always present and accessible to me even though, in my humanity, there are times I neglect to seek Him and share my whole heart with Him in the way that I ought to. It is in these moments that I must humbly ask for Him to speak to me in a way that will stir my heart and allow His words to move me into deeper communion.
Though I am no pro at prayer, the Lord is constantly revealing ways for me to maintain honesty when growing in relationship with Him. Here are a few ways I have been drawn to honest prayer with the help of The Dwell’s album Honest (https://www.thevigilproject.com/honest-release).
Use Your Words
“My God, I wanna know why I just can’t seem to be alright.
I’m not giving up just yet, but I’m getting too tired to fight.
Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to an empty room . . .
And if I’m honest, I could be doing better.
If I’m honest, I can’t blame You forever.
If I'm honest . . . ” // “Honest” by The Dwell - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF-_lwjypmc
At the end of April, two friends of mine released their first full-length album as a duo named The Dwell ( https://www.instagram.com/thedwellband/). From the first line of the title track (“Honest” - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF-_lwjypmc) to the end of the album’s last song (“Worthy of Praise”- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BbkD8daP1k), it is evident that the theme of this album is honesty with God and with one’s self, which is something I have needed to be reminded of throughout the past year. Each song wrestles with what a real relationship with the Lord looks like, incorporating the highs and lows in a way that feels real and raw.
As I have reflected more and more on the lyrics of the songs, the Lord has reminded me of what an honest relationship with Him looks like. Honesty is easy when the relationship is going well, but that can’t always be said when something doesn’t go the way you hoped it would. Speaking from experience, I know it is easy to want to blame God for the bumps in the road that I will experience throughout my life, but when reflecting on these lyrics I am reminded that true honesty involves recognizing both how I feel unseen by God and the responsibility I have to take my relationship deeper with Him.
A core tenet of honest prayer is using honest words. For much of my adolescent and teen life, prayer was a formal act that always included clasped hands and a prayer card full of someone else’s words. Now don’t get me wrong, the words of the Saints that we still pray today are beautiful and should be prayed, but exclusively praying these prayers allowed for me to keep God at an arm's distance. Prayer is supposed to be a personal conversation between you and God, and a personal conversation requires your own personal thoughts and feelings.
I know for a fact that my words aren’t perfect, and sometimes praying feels like I am talking to an empty room, but by the virtue of faith I believe that these imperfect words overflowing from my heart are being heard by the Lord. It’s from this place of humility that God is given full access to your heart.
Overcoming Self-Reliance
“I’ve heard Your voice calling out my name.
It sounded so sweet, but I was still so afraid.
And I felt Your hand guiding me through the trees,
but my feet aren’t as sure as You made them to be.
So I roam through the desert and wander through the hills;
tried to put a mountain between us.
Still the roamin’ left me broken and the wanderin’ left me ill,
‘til You brought me to Your garden and You showed me how to heal.”
// “Running” by The Dwell - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ceEcEl3IMg
Every time I listen to the song “Running,” I am reminded of how many times my self-reliance has separated me from the Lord and my relationship with Him. If there is ever a dry season in prayer, I begin to think, If I control the situation, I won’t have to wait . . . If I do this myself, I won’t have to rely on someone else . . . The change in mindset is subtle, and not always noticeable, but in relying more on myself than on God, I lose out on the chance to grow in virtue and ultimately grow with Him. The result? Weariness, restlessness, and shame.
“Running” has become my anthem in growing from self-reliance to humility. It has been a reminder that God is not so far away. The juxtaposition of the desert and the garden calls to mind all the times in Scripture the Israelites wandered and strayed from their covenants with God. Whether it be man’s impatience, fear, pride, or a little bit of all three (and then some), God draws His people close and brings them to the garden—a place of healing, restoration, and honesty. This is where He is calling me.
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Allow for Vulnerability
“Lord, we sit here at your feet.
Lord, we give you everything.
I’m giving you all of me.” // “At Your Feet” by The Dwell - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvnm1RtUHDM
Being open, selfless, and honest have one thing in common, and that is being vulnerable. The word “vulnerable” comes from the Latin word vulnerare which means “to wound, hurt, or injure,” and this definition always takes me aback. Being vulnerable is a platitude we often hear thrown around in relationships, but to be vulnerable is to completely open yourself up to woundedness and pain, and the importance of this cannot be overstated—especially in our relationship with Jesus.
On the Cross, Jesus Himself becomes our supreme model of vulnerability. He dies naked, bruised, bleeding, and broken. He has nothing left to give, because He gives us everything. When we pray, we are able to take on the disposition of Our Lady and Saint John at the Foot of the Cross. Though they can do nothing, they give Him their all by standing at His feet.
Prayer at its best is allowing for the Lord to have access to your whole heart, especially the wounded and broken parts. It might be painful, but in giving Him everything our hands become open to receive His Sacred Heart, which is the epitome of love itself.
Let The Lord Hear You
One of the most consoling verses from Scripture is Psalm 37:4: “Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart’s desire.” There have been many times where I have had to remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, and He desires nothing more to give them to me . . . but He also desires a relationship with me that extends beyond desire, and that relationship requires honesty.
The Lord gives us words so that we could lift them up to Him, so find your voice! Sing along to a song that perfectly captures the way you feel. Write in your journal a letter to Him. Participate in the Mass. Say a prayer aloud.
No matter what it looks like, accept the invitation to the freedom that comes only when you are totally and completely honest with Him—you have permission.
Author Bio: Raised in Baton Rouge, Nicole Jones grew up believing college sports are a way of life, crawfish season is the only season, and the best things that life has to offer are the things only Louisianans can pronounce. Currently serving as the digital media manager for the Diocese of Baton Rouge, Nicole spends her days sharing the good, proclaiming the Truth, and admiring the beautiful. When not at work, you will most likely find her in her kitchen (baking), on her couch (watching a movie), at an estate sale (falling in love with old furniture), or behind her computer (creating).
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