Juggling Being Squeezed

Your word, O Lord, is a lamp for my feet. // Psalm 119:105

I was experiencing an extremely long season of burnout (not that kind that ends with the changing of the weather, either). The things I normally looked forward to were of little consequence to me as I was being challenged in every facet of my life. In my mind I thought I was handling life as if I were on a unicycle while juggling whatever was thrown my way—be it bowling pins, balls, or glass milk jugs. I humbly watched these objects fall: some days one by one and sometimes all at once. There was no way I could catch them all. 

I wasn’t defeated as much as I realized that everything I had ever done up until this point had worked out a certain way because I was in a different place. 

Each day I resolved in prayer to begin anew even though my circumstances weren’t changing. It was a shift for my recovering type A+ personality, former perfectionist, and people pleaser. I didn’t feel the need to take things into my own hands and try to change the course. Instead I accepted what I couldn't control, which was everything. 

I would love to say that this acceptance brought me a greater sense of calm, but it didn’t. Instead it offered me a greater desire to be rooted in God’s Word, in His promises, in who He says I am, and Who He says He is. 

I would go to prayer and open my Blessed Is She journaling Bible and be immediately overcome by the peacefulness of the soft delicate pages against my fingers as I turned to the Book of Psalms, eager to receive the Word the Holy Spirit would illuminate for me. 

Sister, spending time in God’s Word may not always help us make sense of what we are experiencing at a certain time, but it offers us strength to persevere in trusting God to guide our steps even when the next step is unknown to us.