Forever I will maintain my kindness toward him, and my covenant with him stands firm. // Psalm 89:29
The phone started ringing as I wept in silence on my bed. My body froze as I waited to hear the doctor confirm what we feared most. “Are you and your husband together right now?” were the words that took my breath away completely.
They couldn’t find a heartbeat. The child we so desperately prayed and longed for did not survive. The miracle pregnancy we celebrated and claimed as a victory had suddenly ended.
Where are You, God?
What were You thinking?
How could You be asking this of us?
Can You save me from the face of despair?
These questions haunted me in the coming weeks, but God’s responses to them were much louder. They emerged out of the deafening silence accompanied by grief and loss. They grew out of the empty space so severely carved out by our first miscarriage of our first baby.
My daughter, do not worry about your life (see Matthew 6:25).
Is your life not more important to me than the entire created world? (see Matthew 6:26)
Does your Heavenly Father not see exactly what you need at every moment of your life? (see Matthew 6:32)
My steadfast love for you endures forever (see Psalm 89:28).
Even in your darkest pit, I will not withhold my steadfast love for you (see Psalm 89:33).
Even when you have every reason to lose hope, I could never betray you (see Psalm 89:34).
My covenant with you is firmer than heaven itself (see Psalm 89:3).
I don’t know where you feel abandoned by God, and I don’t know where you feel like you can’t be saved. All I know is that when the Son of Man asked God why He had forsaken Him from the Cross, God chose to save the entire world (see Matthew 27:46).
Joash in today’s First Reading perished because he forgot the Lord’s fidelity to Him (see 2 Chronicles 24:17-25). Do not forget God's fidelity to you. Do not abandon God because you’ve convinced yourself that He has abandoned you. Surrender your emptiness to the One Who left the tomb empty for the redemption of your soul. He has not forgotten you.
Jana Zuniga Pingel is an artist and designer based in Colorado Springs, where she resides with her husband. She earned her B.A. in Studio Art from Saint Mary’s College in South Bend, Indiana. She is the founder and owner of January Jane Shop, an online boutique for Catholic art and goods. When she isn’t busy doing entrepreneurial things, she’s cooking a new recipe, hiking a mountain, or party planning.
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