For single Catholics, dating can be incredibly difficult.
Having a decade’s worth of experience in that realm myself, I used to think it was incredibly unfair. Comparing my experience with that of previous generations, I would lament over how easy my grandmothers had it. They didn’t face the same seemingly insurmountable challenges that accompany modern dating as I did.
Now, as a married woman of eight years, I look back on all the difficulties I experienced through my time dating—and all the difficulties my single family members and friends continue to face—and I am beginning to see these challenges as a good thing. Or at the very least, as something that God uses to bring about good.
Life, in general, is difficult. And dating today requires a tremendous amount of perseverance, resilience, hope, and trust in God.
These are all virtues I have to call upon daily in my vocation as a wife and mother. Virtues that are sharpened, dulled, and resharpened over and over and over again. And these skills were partially developed through my experiences with dating.
Like the muscles must be trained and prepared for a marathon, our hearts must be conditioned for our vocations.
How Do You Know If He’s “The One”?
Recently, I read a book, On the Demonic, which is a collection of Archbishop Fulton Sheen’s writings which was compiled and edited by Fr. Dave Tomaszycki. Within it, I came across a section in which Archbishop Sheen outlines three tests to search for the Spirit of Christ within an individual.
While he never specified it as advice for dating, my own mind immediately saw a correlation. Without even realizing it, these three “tests” were qualities that I was subconsciously looking for in a spouse when I was dating, and I think it might have been helpful for my past self to have seen this to help her out with discernment.
1. Adherence to the Truth of the Gospel and the Church
Archbishop Sheen listed this act of obedience and humility as the first sign of the Spirit of Christ working within the soul.
This is the individual who is wise enough to admit he does not know everything and thus turns to God and the Church He established for answers. This is the individual who is willing to learn and yield his own thoughts to Truth.
A lesson I learned through trial and error was that I needed a spouse who was of the same faith background as myself. I needed someone who wore the same “Catholic contact lenses” and made sense of the world in the same way that I did. There were moments while dating in which difficult situations were made heavier and more dramatic because of the different values and ways of approaching challenges.
Having lived more of life, I am grateful to now have a spouse who knows and trusts God, His teachings, and His authority working through the Catholic Church. I am grateful that we are not arguing over eternal matters, like whether to get our children baptized and confirmed, or whether we should call a priest to administer last rites when a grandparent is near death.
While my husband and I do not always see eye-to-eye in everything, we do view all things through the same lens—and that brings a level of peace into any chaos our fallen world can fling.
2. The Willingness to Endure the “Scandal of the Cross” (Galatians 5:11)
Archbishop Sheen’s second test coincides with Satan’s favorite sentiment he whispers continuously through society: to avoid suffering at all costs. The second test that the Spirit of Christ is alive in an individual is that he does not run from his own cross, but accepts it with love and virtue. Like Christ, he empties himself and acts as servant to all.
Again, through trial and error, this was a characteristic that I learned I needed in a significant other. Life had thrown enough suffering and hardships my way at that point that I remarked to a friend, “I really just need to find someone that knows how to suffer well, someone that I can suffer with.”
A few months after that, I ended up meeting a man who can “take a punch” both physically, mentally, and spiritually, and also respond to it with virtue and proper masculinity. It was one of the qualities about him that had me thinking: I think he could be the one . . .
3. The Produce of His Life Should be “Fruit,” not Activity or Works
Archbishop Sheen borrows from Saint Paul’s letter to the Galatians with his third and final test. The Apostle distinguished between “activities and works” which are the result of an individual’s own effort, and “fruit.” A person producing works will display envy, jealousy, bad temper, rivalry, hatred, quarreling, party spirit, factions, sensuality, impurity, and immorality (see Galatians 5:20).
Contrastingly, “fruit” can only be produced by a Higher Power working through an individual. A person producing fruit will display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, fidelity, tolerance, and self-control (see Galatians 5:22).
This final test is quite straightforward. I had boyfriends who were not joyful, but self-pitying. I had boyfriends who were not generous with their time but quite self-serving. I had boyfriends who were impatient and had bad tempers. Each of them, in different ways, damaged my relationship with God.
When I met my husband, he was displaying all these “fruits”—or actively trying to! He was loving and joyful, kind and generous, qualities which have all proven to make him an incredible husband and father.
Embracing the Journey of Faith
Incorporating Archbishop Sheen's insights into dating provides a practical checklist to help guide us on the journey of discernment. Each test he outlines serves as a beacon of hope and guidance, reminding us that love rooted in faith is not merely about finding "the one" but about cultivating virtues that strengthen us for our vocations.
As we navigate the complexities of modern dating, let us lean on the teachings of the Church, endure suffering with grace and hope, and seek the fruits of the Spirit in ourselves and our partners. In doing so, we prepare our hearts not just for romantic love, but for a lifelong partnership grounded in faith and mutual growth, leading us closer to the fullness of God’s plan.
Grace Bellon is a wife, mom, and high school theology teacher who has spent years walking with young people as they wrestle with faith, identity, and the ache for something more. She writes from the heart of a classroom, the hustle of family life, and the quiet corners where the Lord speaks most tenderly. She believes in miracles, mercy, and the delicate art of balancing home-cooked meals with takeout nights. Her sweetest joys are found in the company of one man who keeps her coffee cup full, her children who keep her laundry baskets fuller, and the Eucharist which fills her heart and soul.
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