Words scrolled up the teleprompter; I took a deep breath and spoke into the camera. “Hey friend, I’m Beth Davis and I’ll be your guide on this 21-day journey towards freedom from pornography. I’m here to walk with you because I’ve made this journey myself and I now live in freedom from pornography and masturbation.”
Earlier this year, I partnered with Covenant Eyes to present a new recovery tool called Arise, a 21-day program to help women recover from pornography use and self-abuse. The project fulfilled a dream in my heart to see women set free from the shackles of sexual sin and shame—just like Jesus did for me.
Women and Pornography
It’s a common misconception that pornography is a men’s issue. After all, men are more visual, right? But having been exposed to porn at the tender age of eleven or twelve, I quickly became attracted to and enslaved by the explicit material I saw. The combination of my changing body, a budding sense of self (and newfound insecurity), and the innocence of childhood meant that I was especially vulnerable and impressionable.
And I know I’m not alone. Recent studies show that as much as 30 percent of pornography users are now women. A 2016 survey showed that one in four women sought out pornography at least occasionally, and that statistic doesn’t include Gen Z women who grew up with smartphones. So 25 percent of women admit to viewing pornography intentionally (and those are just the ones willing to self-report), meaning this issue is far from rare.
But our Creator did not intend for our bodies and sexuality to be abused in this way. He designed our bodies and our sexuality as good and to be used out of love. In each of us there is a natural wonder and curiosity about not only the mechanics of sex, but the beauty of the human body and sexual arousal. Unfortunately, pornography hijacks our good desires and rewires our brains to crave sexual pleasure without the commitment, trust, or love that are essential to sexual union. And often this happens at a very young age or without our consent. Other times, we notice it happening, know it is not the best for us, but choose to enter into the bad habit anyway.
Maybe you found pornography through a random internet search, or a friend sent you your first suggestive or pornographic image. Maybe you discovered it in your home or at a relative’s house. Maybe you read something suggestive online or in a book, or watched a racy scene on television or in a movie that awakened your desire for more. Honestly, in this pornified culture it’s hard not to encounter explicit material. Or maybe someone harmed you sexually or exposed you to pornography to seduce or manipulate you. No matter when or how or even why you first encountered porn, a series of chemical reactions were initiated in your brain, wiring your preferences, arousal structures, and your physical body to respond to that material. Once these patterns were established, you had little resolve to resist and then naturally sought out that source to re-experience the pleasure or, strange as it sounds, reenact the pain.
So while these experiences are not limited to men, they do affect women in a unique way. Our body image, intimate relationships, sense of self, style of dress, and entertainment choices are all shaped by our exposure to and experience of pornography. And the enemy has a field day lying to us about how we’re the only one, there’s something wrong with us, it’s our fault . . . The lies will be deeply personal and profoundly cutting, all designed to keep you trapped in silence and shame, keeping you bound to the very thing that’s killing you.
So, after years of repetition—both the behaviors and the lies—what do we do?
Freedom and Healing
Saint John of the Cross gives us a helpful image of the soul striving to break free from sin:
“Whether a bird be held by a slender cord or by a stout one; since, even if it be slender, the bird will be well held as though it were stout, for so long as it breaks it not and flies not away. It is true that the slender one is the easier to break; still, easy though it be, the bird will not fly away if it be not broken” (Ascent of Mount Carmel, chapter XI, P. 4).
This parable gives language to the struggle many of us face in trying to quit pornography—and healing in general. We want to find the thing that will finally break the cord of attachment to our unwanted sexual behavior. But the truth is, there are often many factors that led to it and many factors that keep us tied up in it. We must ask Jesus to help us sever the cords one by one.
The process of deliverance and healing from pornography is just that—a process. Jesus sometimes seems to prefer the slow and deliberate journey of healing to quick fixes. Think of the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10. We often read this story and hear Jesus’ invitation to go and do likewise. But we miss that Jesus is, first of all, the Good Samaritan to us. We have been wounded and robbed by our sins and the sins of others and left for dead on the side of the road. But Jesus comes to anoint our wounds, take us into His arms, and provide for us.
Now imagine the wounds of that man. The deep lacerations need tending first; the bleeding must be stopped. Any broken bones need setting. This is called triage. Some wounds require immediate and more serious intervention. But there are also bruises and bumps that need care and attention, and nourishment and rest are required. He may need to learn how to do simple tasks and build strength back up again. Yet all along he is being healed—even while he is still in pain, even if he hasn’t been totally restored to full health. But healing is happening, and healing takes time.
So we have to submit to the process. Thread by thread, Jesus severs every attachment, heals every wound. Because there isn’t just one thing that led you to pornography and masturbation. Abuse or neglect, trauma, negative self-image, early exposure, and repeated exposure all contributed to reinforcing the rope. Not to mention the music, movies, shows, and social media that normalize pornographic content.
In His loving kindness, Jesus wants to attend to each and every wounded place in your heart and heal every part of your story.
Arise by Covenant Eyes
Arise is a free 21-day recovery program to help you address these areas and gives practical tools to quit pornography for good. Together we discuss the deep root causes of our addiction and discover a roadmap for rewiring our brains and redirecting our habits. And it is my privilege to walk with you into the freedom Jesus desires for you.
As Catholic women, we have a treasury of graces available to us in the Sacraments. Both Confession and the Eucharist were central to my healing and freedom. I also spent time in frequent Eucharistic Adoration sharing my heart with Jesus, and I developed a devotion to the Rosary, where Jesus began to heal my memory and imagination with the beautiful images I meditated on in the life of Christ. Mary’s intercession, I’m convinced, was paramount, as well. Just as many threads needed to be broken in the cord chaining me to pornography, so many new threads were woven together by grace to create a new tapestry for my healing.
Dear friend, there is life on the other side of pornography. It is possible to not struggle with masturbation or other unwanted sexual sins. You are not doomed to disordered sexual desires for the rest of your life. How do I know? Because Jesus, our Deliverer and Healer, did it for me.
And I know He will do it for you too.
For more encouragement on your journey to freedom and healing from unwanted sexual behavior, listen to my conversations with Jenna Guizar here and here.
Beth Davis is a lover of Jesus, a retired youth minister, the Director of Formation for Blessed is She. She is passionate about teaching women how to develop an intimate relationship with Jesus in prayer through writing, speaking, and mentorship. Her favorite things include being the favorite aunt to her five niece and nephews, making friends everywhere she goes, and whatever book she’s currently reading.
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