As a mother of young children, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to make our home warm, a place of rest and refuge similar to the kind of home I grew up in. A home where I felt seen, where friends wanted to visit, and a place which fostered joy.
I started reading Dia Boyle’s book, The Thoughtful Home, with high hopes of gaining more motivation and practical ideas for how to make our home more thoughtful and intentional. What I didn’t expect was to turn the last page of the final chapter and be on fire to transform the culture, while feeling equipped with the capability of doing so!
A Home Matters
Boyle takes you along with her as she explores the nature and the purpose of the home, and shares the findings of her studies along the way. In her chapter “Why a ‘Thoughtful’ Home?” she writes about how our homes today are cluttered with screens and phones. One particular line that hit close to home for me was how “The gaze exchanged in the quiet darkness before dawn between an exhausted mother and her nursing infant—surely unchanged since the beginning of the human race—is now broken by the seductive possibilities of the smartphone” (62–63). Just a few months past weaning my one-year-old, I cannot even count how many times I chose the lure of my phone over gazing at my child.
Boyle gently points out that because of our technological age, the act of paying attention requires much more deliberation than it did in years past. While observing and thinking about the needs of those in our home is a simple solution, it is also one that requires selflessness, discipline, and hard work. Oftentimes, daily life is filled with repetitive chores and the mundane, but when we open our eyes and keep our eyes open to see and notice those living in our home, we are better able to determine what they need. We need to put away our smartphone contacts and make eye contact with the people in front of us.
A Dwelling Place
In the chapter “Dwelling at Home” we are encouraged to design our homes so that our loved ones desire to be there. That the home is a place that is welcoming and where the people inside of it are seen, known, and loved. This doesn’t have to do with the color of your countertops or the paint on your walls, but rather, with whether the place appeals to the heart, mind, and soul. Countertops and paint colors are trendy and elusive. A home that is inviting and warm is not: “A home will be attractive to its residents to the degree that their needs are met there, consistently and reliably” (94). Making an attractive home requires time to consider how this will be achieved, because each family and each person within it is unique. A thoughtful home is not one size fits all. It requires a homemaker to ponder.
Time To Think
Since reading this book, I have started to drive in silence more. This is a sacrifice, because it’s a rare occurrence to drive solo, and one I almost always use to catch up on podcasts, audiobooks, or phone calls. Boyle writes, “Adequate time is not ‘barely enough’ time to do the cooking and the laundry, but time enough to spend with those who live in her home, to be available to them and to pay attention to them, to notice things, to think things over” (99). If I am distracted, I am neither being present nor paying attention. I need to make time to think. Boyle encourages her readers that the mission as a thoughtful homemaker can be carried out heroically when we give generously of our time and attention.
A Professional Work
One of the most helpful yet challenging chapters for me was the chapter on “The Work of Making a Thoughtful Home.” It focuses on pulling the homemaker out of the negative mindset of feeling unseen and unappreciated, and instead raising her mind to see her work as a professional work. “If a homemaker thinks of her homemaking merely as an endless to-do list, she will do only enough to get by, distracting herself from the problems and challenges inherent in her work rather than seeking solutions and developing her skills” (143). I appreciate the acknowledgement that Boyle gives to the difficult working conditions of a homemaker, including pregnancy, postpartum, having several young children to care for, a traveling spouse, etc. I can personally relate to the hardship of each of these conditions, and at times my work in the home feels daunting. Yet if I think of my work as professional work, I will reframe my mindset to rise to the challenge with a greater sense of purpose and mission. And if I open myself to learning from others, I can find colleagues in my mom, my sisters, and my friends.
Transforming the Culture
The whole book was a joy for me to read, but the conclusion is where I got really motivated!
Boyle points out the ever present fact of our world today: It is messy. But if you are a homemaker, you’ve got a lot of experience with this! So as you look out your window or perhaps into your screen, and see the mess of the world, she proposes three options for responding:
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Do something big like run for political office or found a religious order, etc (which for most of us is not super realistic).
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Fortify your walls and shield your family from the outside world (ignoring Christ’s instruction to live in it, despite not being of it).
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Devote oneself to cleaning up the mess of the world by a wholehearted effort to make and keep a thoughtful home.
If we choose the third option, “We can make our homes more attractive, more hospitable, more life giving. We can work more intensely and think more deeply [. . .] By doing all this, we help the members of our families, and anyone who enjoys our hospitality, to flourish as happy and virtuous human beings. By doing all this, we help them to become the sort of human beings who improve the world simply by being in it” (167).
Yes, a homemaker’s job is hard work and requires sacrifice, but with a willing heart and a little grit, you can transform culture one soul at a time.
Susanna Parent is a regular contributor to the BIS blog, speaker and a freelance writer. While a Wisconsin native, she now begins her mornings brewing French press coffee in the home she shares with her husband and children in the Twin Cities. When the sun sets, you’ll find her with friends enjoying a glass of red wine, preferably outside underneath twinkly lights. When not exploring all that the Twin Cities has to offer, she is indulging her wanderlust spirit by brainstorming their family's next new adventure. You can find out more about her here. Read all of Susanna's posts here.
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