God desires that all His children live in freedom—a freedom that was bought for us at a very high price with the shedding of the blood of His only Son—our Lord Jesus Christ. There are many things that can get in the way of us living in this freedom. One of them is our inability, or resistance, to forgive those who have hurt us. The thing is, unforgiveness doesn’t help the pain go away. If anything, when we don’t forgive, we are basically carrying around these heavy chains everywhere we go.
We All Have Someone We Need to Forgive
We all have wounds that need healing and we all have someone we need to forgive. We mirror God’s mercy to us when we bestow mercy on those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is a gift that frees the forgiver. By letting go of our pain, we are freeing ourselves from those chains that keep us captive and get in the way of us accepting all the beautiful blessings God has planned for us.
Deep down, we know God calls each of us to forgive those who have wronged us, and Scripture is full of references to the importance of forgiveness as part of being followers of God.
For example, Leviticus 19:18 says, “Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against your own people. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” When we refuse to forgive others, we are doing exactly what this verse claims. By holding a grudge, we are refusing to release that person from the prison we have made for them.
Daniel 9:9 says: “But to the Lord, our God, belong compassion and forgiveness, though we rebelled against him.” Forgiveness and mercy are linked and although we sin against God, He chooses to show us mercy by forgiving our sins through the Sacrament of Confession.
Saintly Wisdom
Saint Teresa of Ávila had this to say about forgiveness:
I cannot believe that a soul which has arrived so near to Mercy itself, where she knows what she is, and how many sins God has forgiven her, should not instantly and willingly forgive others, and be pacified and wish well to everyone who has injured her, because she remembers the kindness and favors our Lord has shown her, whereby she has seen proofs of exceeding great love and she is glad to have an opportunity offered to show some gratitude to her Lord." (Way of Perfection, Ch. 36).
What Saint Teresa of Ávila is saying to you and me is that if we truly believe that we ourselves are sinners, and in need of the redeeming grace of Christ, and have been forgiven over and over by our Lord, how can we not offer that same kindness and mercy to those who have hurt us?
“If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15). These may seem like harsh words, but as with everything in the Bible, they are there as our guide so that we may live lives that mirror that of Christ.
Choosing to Forgive
Forgiveness is a choice one makes. But I am also convinced that you can learn how to forgive by looking at other people’s examples of how they were able to forgive.
Years ago, when I was in my early twenties and living in Boston, my mom called from Brazil to tell me that my cousin, her husband, and their five-year-old son had been hit and killed by a drunk driver while walking home one evening. An entire family was wiped out in one awful instant. I was close to my cousins and was devastated. After hanging up with my mom, I called my aunt, and after lots of tears, I asked her how she felt about the man responsible for killing her loved ones.
My aunt’s response was quick and shocking and it took my breath away. She said to me: “I have forgiven him already. My Catholic faith demands it.”
I don’t know about you, but I had never heard anyone put it that way before. And immediately, two things came to my mind. First, how I wished I could have that kind of faith. Second, if my aunt could forgive the man who had just devastated her family, there must be a way for me to forgive the man who molested and sexually assaulted me when I was just eight years old. That day when I spoke with my aunt, I made a conscious decision to forgive my abuser. That was the beginning of me moving from victim to survivor. And as I made that conscious decision to forgive him, I began to experience more peace, and most importantly, I was now ready to open myself up to all the beautiful blessings God had planned for me and my life.
And of course, Jesus Himself left us with the most beautiful example of forgiveness when from the Cross, just before dying a terrible death from crimes He never committed, He spoke these words: “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
Having Self-Compassion
Sometimes, the person we most need to forgive is ourselves. We need to learn how to love and forgive our younger selves with compassion, so that we don’t allow any bad choices or sins we may have committed in the past to get in the way of God’s unconditional love for us.
Self-compassion starts with us being gentle with ourselves, understanding our limitations and shortcomings, and trusting that God loves us exactly where we are in our faith journey. The closer we grow in our relationship with Christ, we must realize that we need to pray every day for the courage to be open to forgive and to ask for forgiveness at those times we have wronged someone.
Who do you need to forgive? We all have been wronged, and some of us have been deeply hurt by other people. In what ways is God calling you toward forgiveness?
Bring these questions to the Lord in your quiet prayer time and allow Him to guide you in your answers. Writing things down is a great way to help you untangle the knots from unforgiveness that may be trying to choke your heart.
Elza Spaedy grew up in Brazil in a large family of 7 brothers and 3 sisters. Since finding healing and restoration from the painful childhood trauma of sexual abuse, Elza has been on fire for the Lord, ready to let Him use her and her story to help heal others.
Elza is the author of three books- Freedom Through Christ; Healed and Restored; and Spiritual Mentoring, as well as a retreat leader. Elza founded Healed and Restored over 4 years ago- a non-profit ministry that helps women heal from all types of trauma and assault. Elza loves to entertain and enjoys preparing and sharing a great meal with family and friends. She lives with her family in Charlotte, NC. Find out more about her here www.healedandrestored.org
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