Marriage is a school of virtue, and let’s face it, virtue is hard. That doesn’t mean marriage is hard, but it probably means that a good marriage, at the very least, requires work. It’s worth it, of course.
Marriage: An Obligation to One Another
Each spouse has obligations, and they aren’t always the same obligations. That’s not to say that all questions are answered by a simplistic reduction of Saint Paul’s famously discomforting words: “Let women be subject to their husbands, as to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives” (Epheisans 5:22, 25, Douay Rheims).
As far back as the Church Fathers, good Christian men have recognized that the admonition is not about putting women in their proverbial place. In his commentary on these verses, Saint John Chrysostom wrote, “[W]hen the generals of an army are at peace with one another, all things are in due subordination, whereas on the other hand, if they are at variance, everything is turned upside down” (source). A good marriage requires two good generals, not one general and one subordinate.
Recognizing a Good Marriage When You Have One
God has blessed me with a good marriage. I have to admit, however, that this fact largely escaped me for too many years. That’s not to say I thought I had a bad marriage, but rather I didn’t know how good I had it. Really, no idea. Why was I so dense?
It probably has to do with certain truisms: “Men aren’t in touch with their emotions,” or “Men don’t communicate well.” There is some truth in truisms, and these certainly are as true of me as they are of most men. But accepting the blame doesn’t necessarily produce progress. When you tell your husband, “You don’t communicate well,” he might take it to heart and truly want to improve in this area. But he may not know exactly what he’s doing wrong or how to fix it.
Balancing Correction With Compliments
A good husband can accept being told what he’s doing wrong, after the initial shock—and a little snarling. But what happens next might depend on how frequently he hears other things from his wife—things he truly wants to hear from her, maybe even without knowing it.
Repeated doses of correction don’t work on most husbands. But what will soften him, if he’s anything like me, is also being told what he’s doing right.
Marriage Advice: Four Things Husbands Want to Hear
Based on my thirty years of marriage, here are four messages husbands want to hear, loud and clear, from their wives.
1. You take care of me.
Safeguarding another person is perhaps one of the most manly things a husband can do. This can involve financial security, fixing a broken pipe, minding the domestic church, or handling daily tasks. It can mean protecting his wife from physical danger or discreetly sparing her a social embarrassment. Men want to take care of their wives and families, and being told they are doing that is powerful. Acknowledge even the smallest acts he undertakes, and thank him.
2. Be a man of prayer.
Men tend to cede responsibility for the family’s religious upbringing to their wives. Even if the man has a fervor for the faith, he can easily be upstaged. If he sees you doing it, and doing it well, he might be afraid to step on your toes. Show him you recognize the strength of his faith. Cherish the things he does to express it, even if it’s something as seemingly mundane as attending the men’s group at your parish. It’s said that, after a certain age, children don’t listen to what their parents say, but they watch how they live their lives. If he is a witness to the faith, tell him that it matters. Make this an important priority.
3. You are the most important person to me.
This means the kids are not. They should be a close, but distinct, second. This means making a commitment to not allow big issues to come between the two of you. If there isn’t a common understanding, then have a conversation or two or three. You don’t have to agree on everything, right down the line. Two people can disagree on things, such as acquiring a pet, while agreeing on more important points. This demonstrates that the couple respects and trusts each other no matter what.
4. I love when you support my decisions.
Often, a husband will let his wife make a significant decision. This is part of the give and take of marriage. Husbands may even cheerfully acquiesce, knowing that their wives are just better at some things. Whether he concedes the point graciously or grumbling, don’t miss the opportunity to tell him that you value his deference. I mean, really tell him, not just a perfunctory “thank you,” but remind him days or weeks later that you are grateful.
I encourage wives to make it a point to let your husband know these kinds of things. Don’t wait for him to ask for affirmation or reassurance in his vocation. And don’t be disappointed if he looks awkward, or shrugs, or changes the subject. I have a feeling he really is listening.
Glenn Dickinson worked as a journalist but turned down a newspaper career and decided instead to get an honest job and become a lawyer. He is a member of the Apostoli Viae community and holds a master’s certificate in spiritual theology from the Avila Institute. He is married with three adult children and lives in Ventura, CA. He blogs on the spirituality of St. John of the Cross at www.innerwinecellar.com.
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