I Betrayed Him

“For these and all my sins, I am sorry,” I concluded with relief as I finished reciting my sins that Saturday morning.

“How do you want your kids to remember their childhood?” the priest gently asked from the other side of the screen. “Do you want them to think of you as always picking up your phone, losing your patience with them, and living distractedly from moment to moment?”

A chill crept over me as I considered this thought. It was one thing recalling and confessing my sins aloud to the priest. It was another thing as he repeated back to me my description of my negligence in my parenting and homeschooling of my children. A vision of myself filled my mind; the self that I was content most days to be.

Today is Spy Wednesday; the day Judas betrayed his friend and Lord all for the sake of thirty silver pieces. Yet, what do I betray Him for? A few minutes peace on a weekday morning? Solitude as I put off teaching math? Self-indulgent scrolling which leaves me feeling empty?

I imagine myself in Judas’ place. One of you will betray Me.

Our hands touch as we dip our bread in the bowl together.

Surely, it is I, Lord. I confess. I do betray You.

He looks at me with compassion, mercy, and love.

You have said it, and you are forgiven.

He knew we would betray Him. He died because we betray Him. He died so that we can repent and have hope in His mercy. And always come back for forgiveness every time we betray Him.

The priest gave me my penance and prayed the words of absolution over me. I was forgiven.

I thanked him and hurried to the adoration chapel to pray.

I imagine myself in Judas’ place. // Susanna SpencerClick to tweet

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Dear Lord, help me during these uncertain times. I need your graces even if I cannot go to Confession right now. Bless me and hold me close.

Susanna Spencer is the Theological Editor for Blessed is She who studied theology and philosophy in her earlier life. She happily cares for her three adorable little girls, toddler boy, and her dear husband in Saint Paul when not writing and editing. She loves beautiful liturgies, cooking delicious meals, baking amazing sweets, reading good books, raising her children, casually following baseball, and talking to her philosopher husband. She is a contributing author to our children's devotional prayer book called Rise Up and Theological Editor of the Catechism Studies, the Mystery Studies, and the Works of Mercy study. You can find out more about her here.