Late one night, I was helping my newly postpartum friend learn how to use my breast pump, giving instruction over a sound that was associated with one of the most difficult times of my life but now was a source of love. In that moment, I experienced the Lord saying, I was with you, I remember how hard it was, and I want to heal and redeem you.
My Pregnancy Journey
My husband and I had been trying for three years to get pregnant. A close Catholic priest friend told us to pray to Mary and ask for her intercession so that we might conceive a child.
Months later, our prayers were answered, and we became pregnant . . . with twins.
Overjoyed, we were excited about the journey. However, the combination of a subchorionic hemorrhage, testing positive for COVID, my dad’s diagnosis of dementia, our daughter’s in-utero ovarian cyst, and my high blood pressure turned my excitement to overwhelming anxiety.
Many women can relate to anxiety-provoking pregnancies or births, but most women told me, “Once you hold your babies, everything goes away and you feel like you’re in heaven.” However, I found that it was difficult to relate to this because my own experience was so different from this.
The Lonely Shock of Postpartum
When I first saw my babies, I was in shock at how surreal it was to see them outside my womb. Then, within twenty-four hours, I was plagued with anxiety attacks and intrusive thoughts anytime I looked at them. I was completely honest with my husband and doctors right away, but it didn’t take away the shame I felt for not wanting to be with our children.
Born at thirty-seven weeks via C-section, they were struggling to breastfeed. I started feeding them with both my own pumped breastmilk and formula to make sure they were getting the nutrients they needed.
This continued for weeks at home. After feeding our twins each a bottle, I would go into the corner of our room, strap on my breast pump, and try to guard my mind from all the anxious and depressive thoughts, all the while listening to the monotonous sound of the machine.
After making the difficult but necessary decision to solely feed them formula, I was able to stop stressing out about increasing my supply, find a Catholic postpartum counselor, and start medication. Finally, I started to experience more peace and healing. My husband, family, and friends blessed me with their accompaniment and support during my journey of postpartum mood disorders.
A New Beginning
A year and a half later, we moved several states away to a new community where we had never been before. I befriended many women and some were pregnant.
One day a friend who had just had a home birth texted, asking if I had a breast pump because her daughter was having trouble latching. I hurried downstairs, found my pump, and took it to my friend immediately. As I was teaching my friend how to put it on and use it, I heard the same monotonous sound of the machine that had so many lonely memories attached to it and was brought back to that dark corner of our old room.
It was easy for me to assume that the anxiety and dark thoughts would return and stay with me again, but instead, I found myself embracing this as an opportunity to love my friend and to let Jesus use this moment to love me also.
A couple days later, I went back to visit, and her husband asked me about my postpartum experience. I could tell by his demeanor that it was a question asked with intention. I made eye contact with my friend and asked her how she had been feeling. Instantly, she started crying and sharing her experience with intrusive thoughts.
I looked her straight in the eye and told her, “You are not a bad mom. You will not do any of those thoughts. You will make it through this phase.” These were words that another friend had told me during the early weeks of my postpartum experience. Words that I heard but didn’t believe at the time. Words that now the Lord was speaking to one of His daughters through me to comfort and support her.
The Lord’s Intentionality
My postpartum journey had many difficulties, which led to anxiety whenever I would think of going through another pregnancy and how my postpartum experience might be the second time around. Through the experience with my friend, the Lord said to me, I remember how hard it was. I want to heal you and redeem those experiences.
God works His healing through real people. He healed me through my vulnerability with my husband and being met with understanding, love, and sacrifice. He healed me with my friend and intentionally redeemed my specific memories. He continues to do this in my everyday life through prayer and the Sacraments.
I think every woman who goes through suffering needs to be reminded of this: The Lord never forgets your suffering and is very intentional in giving you redemptive experiences so you can live free of fear and full of courage. He knows every detail of your life because He has been with you through it all. When our eyes are open to his workings, we can see and participate in the restoration of the Body of Christ, and we can be redeemed.
Yazmin Gutierrez has been married for almost seven years to her amazing husband and is a mom of three-year-old twins. She was a former D1 athlete and Hall of Famer who has translated all of her discipline, hard work, and determination into being a working, stay-at-home mom. After her C-section, she became passionate in educating and accompanying women in their road to recovery—spiritually, mentally, and physically. She is the founder of Life Abundantly, where she is committed to providing easy and affordable pregnancy and postpartum corrective exercise solutions, recognizing that every motivated mama deserves the opportunity to heal. Find her at Life Abundantly.
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