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Trying and Trying Again to Believe I’m Lovable

He sighed from the depth of his spirit and said, “Why does this generation seek a sign? Amen, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation.” (Mark 8:12)

I am twenty-three years old. I am kneeling in a church in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I kinda half knelt, half laid on my face. Mass had ended. Everyone else had gone in peace. My face smushed the cold stones. I didn’t say it, but I screamed it. Give me a sign, Lord. I am not leaving until I have it. My breakup was fresh, my ex strutting with a new girl on his arm, my upper lip couldn’t remain stiff. I demanded a sign my life would still be good; I would somehow be happy; I would make someone a good wife.

But even if He had leaned down from that crucifix and whispered to me in no uncertain terms that I was better off this way, that my feeble heart would piece back into a better me, I would have doubted it. I would have searched and searched for ways to stay in my sinkhole. No sign would make me trust in my lovability. It took years to believe it. Years of trying and trying again.

Sisters, if you’re drowning in lonely hormones, or the new semester is paralyzingly hard, or this new job is going to end in a ball of flames, and you are both asking for and scorning every sign that Jesus is your Lord and Savior, your font of Hope and Love, I’ve been there. Most of us have. He’s not going to force us to believe Him. But He will crawl up that hill to Calvary and sweat blood out of love for you and me. Whether we can hear it or not, we are supremely lovable. Stop asking for a sign and start looking at the signs He has given again and again.

It’s almost Lent. Can you stop thinking you’re not worthy of love? If that’s a cross for you, turn it over to Our Lord today. He can’t wait for you to open your eyes and see His signs.

Nell O’Leary is a recovering lawyer who blogs, sews, and speaks while tending to her husband and four kiddos in the great city of Saint Paul, Minnesota. She serves as Managing Editor for Blessed is She and can down a iced chai tea latte in no time flat. Find out more about her here.

5 Comments

  • Reply
    Bilha Njoki
    February 12, 2018 at 2:22 am

    This is a word in season for me.Indeed i will stop asking for a sign and learn to recognise all the signs God is showing me.Thanks Nell

  • Reply
    Debbie Scarabino
    February 12, 2018 at 8:31 am

    You had me crying this morning with this reflection. I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to this and I loved your message!

  • Reply
    Margaret Smith
    February 12, 2018 at 10:31 am

    Our daughter is going through a rough time in her life. Her boyfriend of 8 years, decided he doesn’t want to get married and have their future children raised Catholic. Our daughter made a tough decision, she is growing closer to God and doesn’t want to marry her boyfriend, if he doesn’t respect what she believes. It is a decision that is breaking her heart. But she has faith that God will someday bring her a man worthy of her love.

  • Reply
    Elizabeth
    February 12, 2018 at 11:41 am

    🎶 “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.” 🎶 Now I won’t get that ear worm out of my head! Thanks for the beautiful reflection, Nell! I love that I can read it hearing your voice and sweet smile. 🙂

  • Reply
    Lauren M Lazzari
    February 17, 2018 at 1:30 pm

    Nell, This was beautiful. Thank you <3

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