There was a time in my life when I thought that being upset with God was sinful. I believed that when I came to God in prayer, I had to be nothing but grateful, joyous, and loving.
I thought that God would not want to see me raw and vulnerable. He is the Creator of the universe and has no time for my grumbling, my anger, my hurt, my anxiety. Because of that mindset, my prayers were superficial at best.
Dear God, thank you for this day. Amen.
But He is patient, isn’t He? He never abandoned me. God the Father, ever-patient and loving, just nestled in on the front porch of the door to my heart. He did not pound the door down; He did not peek through the window. He just waited. He showed me the wonders of His love and His capacity to bear all my sorrow, my grief, my anger.
When my heart breaks, He is there outside the window with a tool box and a hard hat. When I am sorrowful and the tears are flowing, He has His umbrella and rain boots ready, to weather the storm. When I am angry and ready to break everything in sight, He has a broom and dust pan. When I allowed myself to peek out that window and look on the front porch, He was still standing there, ready for me.
Eager to hear, He waits. He knows me better than I know myself. He waits outside that door for that invitation to come in.
When I finally realized that to know God is to let Him into the depths of my heart, in all its mess and muck and joy and sorrow and anger and elation and gratitude and angst, I had to open that door.
And when I did, He was there with eyes sparkling like sunshine on morning dew, a smile that was created solely for me, and arms outstretched. I threw myself into His arms and realized that this was to know Him, on this side of the door.
And as Saint Josephine Bakhita says so eloquently, “Be good, love the Lord, pray for those who do not know Him. What a great grace it is to know God!” (source)
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Can you imagine Him doing this for you? Close your eyes and feel it today.
Dr. Samantha Aguinaldo-Wetterholm is a wife to Paul, mom to two little ones, and practices dentistry at a public health community center for low income families in the Bay Area, California. She (unashamedly) thinks ice cream is its own food group, loves anything Harry Potter, does not leave the house without wearing sparkly earrings, and is an enthusiastic proponent of the Oxford comma. Find out more about her here.