My nightstand was cluttered with pre-natal vitamins, anti-nausea medication, and five positive pregnancy tests—all little reminders of the small life inside of me. In the span of a few short weeks, these items had become daily staples.
When we arrived at our first prenatal appointment, we were overjoyed to see our baby’s picture for the first time. We knew it would be the first of many pictures to come. First day of school portraits, graduation announcements, wedding albums.
Even though I was extremely lethargic and hungry all the time, my husband and I were first-time parents filled with excitement for our first OB appointment.
The News We Never Wanted
But all that quickly changed. I instinctively knew that something was not right or normal during our visit.
Outside the exam room, you could hear babies crying as their moms entered and shut their own exam room doors. Inside our exam room was a different story.
I had just told the sonographer that he had the best job in the world. Now, barely a few minutes had passed and I could tell there was something abnormal about our baby as my husband and I stared up at the sonogram screen.
The silence left room for doubt.
The pauses. The lack of explanation.
Angle after angle. More prodding.
Thirty minutes later we were back in the lobby, waiting to see our doctor again.
“I promise to be faithful to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you all the days of my life.”
My husband and I repeated our vows to each other as I struggled to keep any tears from their ducts.
When the doctor called us back, he told us that our baby was not developing like he should be, given the expected measurements of a healthy pregnancy. He was 95% sure it would result in a miscarriage but, being a Catholic OBGYN, he told us to pray that God’s will be done, even if the outcome we so desperately wanted was not the outcome that we would receive.
I struggled to look at the sonogram image of our baby. To be honest, it would have been much easier to turn away and avoid looking at the screen.
Grieving the Loss of My Baby
At our second appointment, when the miscarriage was confirmed, we asked our doctor if we could have a printed picture of our baby’s sonogram. Not because it was easy or comfortable to see, but precisely because it was hard.
As we looked at our baby’s sonogram picture, I recalled praying with my husband each morning while facing a crucifix that hangs in our apartment.
At first glance, the Cross is excruciatingly painful, filled with human frailty and suffering. It would be easier to turn away. In the Cross of Christ there is both joy and grief, life and death, pain and awe. Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross is the most beautiful and holy source of love. There are similar sentiments towards our baby’s sonogram picture—the very first and the very last picture we have. It is filled with both joy and grief, life and death, pain and awe. The image on that sonogram is a reminder of our baby’s beautifully human existence.
Divine and Human Comforts
Some days the grief is manageable, and others overwhelming. I’m learning more about what Jesus means at every Mass when He says through the priest, “This is My Body, given up for you” (Luke 22:19).
One of the comforts that I carry with me is knowing that my baby’s DNA will always be a part of my bloodstream. It’s a reminder that his own life is now woven into the very fabric of my life. I like to think that his DNA is now helping to give me life, that his DNA is now a part of the very lifeblood of my existence.
Another comfort is knowing that our small family now has one foot on earth and one foot in Heaven. This is why I am so grateful for the Mystical Body of Christ, the Communion of all the angels and saints. We created another soul for God, and it increases our longing to be with him and Jesus at the end of this life. I read a quote from a priest who said, “When someone dies with Christ, their death becomes a resurrection.” I like to think the same is true for our baby.
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Needed Support for Grieving Families
Miscarriage occurs in one in four pregnancies. You likely know (or not know of) a family member or friend who has lost a baby. While it may be common, statistically speaking, the death of a baby will never be normal. Many couples carry a lonely and quiet grief, either out of a fear in letting people know or out of a sense of shame. We do a great disservice to grieving mothers and fathers when loss is met with responses such as, “Time heals all wounds,” and, “You’ll have more babies in the future.”
It doesn’t get easier with time; it just becomes different.
There is a lot of room for improvement within our culture and our Church (especially in the focus of ministries and resources like this one) for how miscarriage is addressed and acknowledged, especially for grieving families.
After our miscarriage, I think I Googled everything I could think of to help me keep one foot in front of the other. The aftermath often involves carrying a silent, invisible cross while simultaneously trying to pick up the pieces of ordinary life.
What Helped Us
Two things that have helped my husband and I in our ongoing healing were:
- naming our baby as a way of affirming and acknowledging his existence, and
- receiving a blessing for grieving parents.
If you have experienced a miscarriage, I am so deeply sorry. My heart hurts for you and with you. You have a right to your grief, however that may look for you. Your baby is just as real as any baby, and your loss is just as real as any human loss.
Our Little Intercessors
To all of the little ones who serve as a great cloud of witnesses, thank you for reminding us that we are on our way Home to you.
I do not think that the sorrows and the troubles endured could possibly be compared with the eternal happiness of my children with God. Through (their) intercession, I received a very extraordinary grace. -St. Zelie Martin
We’re praying for those of you who have experienced the devastation of miscarriage. If you’re comfortable, please leave the name of your babies in the comments below—we’d like to pray for you and honor them.
Grieving the Loss of My Baby #BISblog // Click To TweetKathryn Brandt is a wife, daughter, high school campus minister, theology teacher, and mom to one little saint above. She loves finding the simple, little joys in life and she’s a big fan of a good worship playlist, medium roast coffee, and the natural beauty of sunflowers. Some of her favorite things include the Litany of Trust, Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’, frozen margaritas, and dancing with her husband in their living room.
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We lost our first baby, Thomas a little over a year ago. Thank you so much for your words of comfort and prayers. You and your family our in ours as well.
Praying for you all right now. <3
Hi Clare! I am so sorry to hear about your first, precious baby. Please know that your family will be covered in prayer by us. Thank you so much for having the strength to share and for your prayers as well. Praying that your little saint, Thomas, continues to intercede for you and sends you reminders of his love for you.
Your story is my story and I am so grateful for this blog.
We named him Jude and we look forward to meeting him in heaven with great anticipation.
Love and prayers to you, friend. <3
We lost our first baby, Joshua Daniel, in 2013. Glad to be raising our other children knowing that they have a brother praying for them in Heaven!
Oh this is just the sweetest. Joshua Daniel, pray for us!
Hi Beth-I admire you so much for sharing. I could not agree with you more-my husband and I feel even more called to get each other to Heaven now. Praying for you and your sweet little Jude. saint Jude, pray for us!
We lost baby Kaylakie just one month ago today. Thank you for your vulnerability. Also, if I could please ask, prayers for our oldest daughter who is still intensely grieving the loss of her sibling. I’ll be praying for all of you too. Thank you ?
Praying for you all right now <3
Hi Crystal-absolutely, you can count on our prayers, without a doubt, for you and your family, especially your oldest daughter as she continues to process and grieve. I’m so grateful to be united in prayer with you. ? Praying that your little Kaylakie intercedes for your family and sends you strength during such a painful time. If I can help in any way, please do not hesitate to reach out. Love and prayers!
Thank you for sharing, you’ll be in our prayers going forward. I agree that recieving the blessing was very helpful with our grief and acknowledging our losses.
We lost Michael in June 2015 and Elizabeth in December 2017. Their lives brought us closer to God, and I believe their intercession has helped us in difficult times since.
You’re in our prayers, too <3
Thank you so much, Jessica, for having the courage to share about your losses as well. I could not have said that better-I absolutely believe that our babies do intercede for us, especially in the most difficult of times. We really appreciated receiving a blessing because we felt like the church was acknowledging our loss. Many prayers for your family. Little Michael and Elizabeth, pray for us! ?
We lost twins Nicholas Andrew and Gianna Marie on Saturday. Everything seems so raw and empty. I just want to be united with them in the Eucharist, but even the Mass is gone.
Major prayers <3
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, Jill, especially so suddenly. The names you have chosen for your twins are so beautiful. I can’t imagine how raw and broken your heart must be feeling and I will be praying hard for you. I know that nothing could be truly said or done to ease the pain. One of the thoughts that gives me comfort is knowing that our baby only ever knew love and now experiences perfect love from Heaven. One of the resources I stumbled upon is the national shrine of the unborn in NY: https://shrineofholyinnocents.org/shrine-of-the-unborn where you can ask for your babies to be remembered during a mass once a month. Please count of my prayers for you during the coming days & weeks-you are so strong & brave!
We lost our first child, Victoria Clare, a day after her premature birth about 3.5 months ago. I treasure every photo and memory knowing we won’t ever get more.
Oh friend. That is so heartbreaking. Praying for you all right now. <3
We lost our first and only child three years ago in 2017, Pietro Anthony.
Praying for each of you who have lost a child/children. I completely agree that having your child in heaven truly is an experience of having one foot on earth and one foot in heaven. The longing for heaven and eternity is increased exponentially after your loss.
To each of you that have lost, know you are a mother and always will be. Motherhood to a child in heaven is certainly a unique call.
This is such a sweet comment. Thank you. <3
Thanks for writing your article. My wife and I lost our little Victoria Clare about three and a half months ago. She was born at 27 weeks and we got to spend one day with her here on earth. I will pray for you and Nick as well. I know him, by the way, I did ACE in Dallas too. Tell him hi for me.
Praying for you all. <3
Beautifully written, Kathryn! We will be praying for you and Nicholas. We have lost three, Patricio, Francisco and Dominic Savio, and call upon their intercession daily. You’re right, their passing increases our longing for heaven. Love and lots of prayers to you all.
Love and prayers back to you!
Baby Elizabeth Jeanne 🙂
In trying to conceive our second child on fertility drugs, I miscarried in the first month. I was desvisated and then two days later had to play hostess to my sister’s baby shower. I was able to conceive two months later and give birth to our daughter. My heart and soul knows that my baby (sex unknown) is with the Lord.
I was watching a show on EWTN recently about people converted to the Catholic faith and this couple discussed how they were medically forced in aborting their child. The wife/mother said that in naming her child helped her to reconcile with his/her loss. I realized in watching this that in the 35+ years since my loss that I have never thought on naming my child.
That night I searched and named our child, Raine, A non-gender name said to come on Rey meaning king and for all the rain of tears I’ve shed in heartache.
Our sweet baby girl,Mary Grace, went to Heaven on Valentines Day last month.