When I was a little girl, my godmother was divorced from her abusive husband and could not remarry in the Church without an annulment (which she refused to try to obtain). She was not at fault in the divorce and would have stayed married to my uncle had he not filed for divorce from her. She was in her 40s and longed for a partner in life. She is and was my favorite aunt.
She accepted all of this, but I did not.
Ever since then, I’ve struggled with the Church’s teachings on sexual morality and marriage.
A Struggle and a Search
I’m 37 and have been primarily single the majority of my adult life with a few multi-year relationships thrown into the mix. I’ve dated Catholics and non-Catholics, Christians, Jews, Agonistics and even a Muslim.
I’ve dated eligible and ineligible men, have lived with my boyfriends, and even had a child with one of them.
I’ve never been in a truly chaste relationship.
I have consistently battled with my desire for physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy and the Church’s teachings on sexual morality, and the cultural norms of behavior while dating, both casually and more seriously.
It has not helped that others have approved of what I was doing and it has not helped that others have disapproved of what I was doing.
My Unrelenting Conscience
When it came down to it, I was fully aware that I was living out of integrity with my conscience while in sexually active relationships. I’ve tried every manner of excuse and rationality to convince myself otherwise, but it just hasn’t been the case.
So, almost two years ago now, I decided to stop dating until I could come to peace with wanting a chaste relationship. I decided to focus on my son, on myself, and on my career. It’s been a good choice and a beautiful journey—one that I’m still on and working through.
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Don’t Look, Jesus
A year ago I moved into a new home. Of course, I hung my religious art throughout the house.
But the one room where I refused to hang a crucifix was my bedroom.
I didn’t want to feel judged (apparently, by my own conscience) by my Crucified Savior looking over me if and when I made the decision to invite a man behind the locked doors of my own bedroom in my own house. I wanted to keep that option open, even though I was embracing temporary celibacy.
It was spiritually schizophrenic, I know. I just wasn’t ready to make public the inward commitment I had made.
Come In, Jesus.
Yesterday, that changed. I had been struggling with feeling alone on many levels and I was finally facing the fact that I was afraid of the loneliness.
That admission prompted me to take another big step along this journey of loving being in alignment with all of the Church’s teachings, not just the ones that are comfortable and easy for me.
I let Christ Crucified back into my bedroom.
I placed the crucifix on the empty wall perpendicular to my bed. I stood before Him and wept.
I placed my whole self—my life, my work, my son—into the hands of my loving Father. I recommended myself to His protection and care. I made the leap of Faith that I had been hesitant to make.
And today? Today I woke up under the loving gaze of my Savior.
I woke up peaceful and happy.
Safe in His Hands
Letting Christ Crucified back into my bedroom was a profound display of loving trust that He is guiding the steps of my life. I trust that He is taking care of all of my physical needs and desires.
I am fully and totally safe in His Hands.
Are you struggling to let Christ into your bedroom? Today, take the step. Let Him transform your heart, and your entire life.The Day I Let Christ Into My Bedroom #BISblog // Click To Tweet
This post was written by an anonymous cradle Catholic, single mom, and business owner.