I was made to be a mom. Every since I was little, I loved helping my mom separate the laundry into 8 little piles, one for each kid. I would fake sick just to be able to stay home with her and watch the Home & Garden channel. Every baby I saw I couldn’t stop admiring, and you had to wrestle me to get the baby from my arms. I don’t mind the cooking, the cleaning, the million diapers and twice a day baths. I enjoy it, and I crave it.
So when Nate and I got married last August, it was no surprise to anyone that we wanted to have children right away. The first month passed and then the second and no little blue plus sign yet! Then finally, I felt it in my soul, I was a mother; I knew it in my heart and I rejoiced. But my little baby left me at 5 weeks and 6 days and the world came to a stop. No more dreaming, no more excitement. Can this be real?
Sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet “M” for miscarriage. I feel as if each person I pass can see right through my skin into my heart and know what I had lost. But I’ve come to realize that that little “M” scarred on my heart isn’t for miscarriage – it’s for mother. See I do have a baby, a boy, I think, and I love him greatly.
How can I love what I have never known? Never seen?
Well, I do know him. I know that his name is Hiro after Nate’s great great uncle Hironemous. I know that he grew and was a part of me for a few short weeks. I know that God placed a soul inside this tiny little seed that was to become a baby and I know that life isn’t always about believing in what is seen. I know that I him and am grateful for his life.
I’ve realized that being a mother isn’t about being able to do all the laundry or rocking your kids to sleep or feeding them. It’s about becoming better each day – giving all of yourself. Always. It’s about becoming more like our Father in Heaven – loving and compassionate, patient and kind.
So I wear this scar proudly. I have what I had hoped and prayed for all those years. God is faithful and good. He has made me a mom and I couldn’t ask for more.
Kiera is a missionary, alongside her husband, with Life Teen Missions serving in St. Louis, MO. She is an aspiring writer with the hope to assist Catholic woman in believing in the freedom and victory that Christ has for them.